Jekyll and Hyde

Dear Reader,

I don’t really know what to say or even where to really begin. I’ve become a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde figure and it’s becoming frustrating.

Since I finally got the letter about my referral I have been feeling strange. I think the letter gave me piece of mind. It gave me something less to worry about, and its far enough away that I don’t seem to be worrying about it yet.

So, after I received the letter I became what I assume is hypomanic. Then I crashed and felt crappy and then I felt ok, and I felt ok for a few days. but then I was flipping between sadness, complete frustration and being ok.

The thing is I think its quite difficult to make me angry, I get “annoyed” sometimes. But recently I have been getting particularly angry, especially at work. People make stupid comments to me all the time, but at the moment they are really getting to me. I get so angry that I can’t see past it and I can’t just calm down. And then my brain starts telling me how stupid I am and I get even more angry. What worries me is I think one day I am just going to crack. and that freaks me out. I am not one for starting confrontation or arguments. But at the moment I am getting to a point where I literally want to explode at someone.

And then sometimes I get incredibly depressed. A few days ago I crashed at work. And I came to work and I just couldn’t do anything. Colleagues were telling me I looked “fed up” I just kept saying I was tired. But the truth is I just felt like I wanted to be dead. On the way to work that day I had this weird thought that I should start saving money because when I die my parents won’t be able to afford the funeral costs. What a morbid thought to have at 9AM on the journey to work.

But I am feeling very demotivated at the moment and I’m not sure why. I feel like I am achieving nothing, that I have no direction and that I’m not doing anything with my life and I’m not really sure what to do. I know I should get a better job, but I feel tied to my job because I don’t want to let my friends there down.

I know I put people first far too often, I know a lot of the time I put my own feelings and needs on the back burner because I don’t want to make other peoples lives harder. And I know that i can’t move on with my life partly out of fear and partly out of not wanting to let people down. But I’m not ready, and as frustrated as I am getting by the poor working colleagues I am stuck with. I don’t want to move on just yet. I’m not really sure what I want.

I miss education, but I think I may be glorifying it in a way. I miss studying but as much as I enjoyed it for the last few years of my education, I did slack a lot.

I mean, what’s stopping me studying for me? I could learn something. I could educate myself.

Now if only I could pick something and motivate myself.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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7 thoughts on “Jekyll and Hyde

  1. For better or worse, work seems to be an important part of our lives and being unhappy somewhere where you are spending a full quarter of your life at, really sucks. I hope you find a way to do what’s best for YOU. Take care.

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  2. Wow, I was just thinking the other day how comforting it must feel to be so certain of what it is you want to do, then you would know what needs to be done, right?

    I feel your frustration and I’m not feeling very motivated as of late either but, I’ve been through this before and, I also know, it gets better. Hang in there, keep your chin up, don’t kill anyone and you’ll be alright. 😉

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  3. Perhaps is time to start looking for another job, but I understand your retinence, your used to them and they you and it would be leaving your comfort zone I mean that in terms of your routine.

    Anger is healthy and needs to be expressed, otherwise once all bottled up it becomes an excercise in frustration, because you begin to think I should have said this or should have done that, it needs an outlet, but in a controlled way, this also comes of being empathetic putting others before yourself, and forgetting you are also important and have needs that need to be met.

    Take care

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  4. I’ve been down that road often. And the people whose needs you put before yours? They’ll never return the favor, hell, you’d be lucky if they even acknowledged the effort! It’s not easy to change your way of life though, I hope you find the motivation to change, I don’t know where it comes from but I found you suddenly have it your brain and it doesn’t even seem scary. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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