I don’t really know what to say or even where to really begin. I’ve become a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde figure and it’s becoming frustrating.
Since I finally got the letter about my referral I have been feeling strange. I think the letter gave me piece of mind. It gave me something less to worry about, and its far enough away that I don’t seem to be worrying about it yet.
So, after I received the letter I became what I assume is hypomanic. Then I crashed and felt crappy and then I felt ok, and I felt ok for a few days. but then I was flipping between sadness, complete frustration and being ok.
The thing is I think its quite difficult to make me angry, I get “annoyed” sometimes. But recently I have been getting particularly angry, especially at work. People make stupid comments to me all the time, but at the moment they are really getting to me. I get so angry that I can’t see past it and I can’t just calm down. And then my brain starts telling me how stupid I am and I get even more angry. What worries me is I think one day I am just going to crack. and that freaks me out. I am not one for starting confrontation or arguments. But at the moment I am getting to a point where I literally want to explode at someone.
And then sometimes I get incredibly depressed. A few days ago I crashed at work. And I came to work and I just couldn’t do anything. Colleagues were telling me I looked “fed up” I just kept saying I was tired. But the truth is I just felt like I wanted to be dead. On the way to work that day I had this weird thought that I should start saving money because when I die my parents won’t be able to afford the funeral costs. What a morbid thought to have at 9AM on the journey to work.
But I am feeling very demotivated at the moment and I’m not sure why. I feel like I am achieving nothing, that I have no direction and that I’m not doing anything with my life and I’m not really sure what to do. I know I should get a better job, but I feel tied to my job because I don’t want to let my friends there down.
I know I put people first far too often, I know a lot of the time I put my own feelings and needs on the back burner because I don’t want to make other peoples lives harder. And I know that i can’t move on with my life partly out of fear and partly out of not wanting to let people down. But I’m not ready, and as frustrated as I am getting by the poor working colleagues I am stuck with. I don’t want to move on just yet. I’m not really sure what I want.
I miss education, but I think I may be glorifying it in a way. I miss studying but as much as I enjoyed it for the last few years of my education, I did slack a lot.
I mean, what’s stopping me studying for me? I could learn something. I could educate myself.
Now if only I could pick something and motivate myself.
The Elephant in the Room