Toughing It Out

Dear Reader,

I’m struggling today. I thought something was wrong when I woke up at 11AM,

I planned to stay home today, it was my day off from work. I wanted to stay at home, tidy my room, do some writing, do some colouring. I wrote a list but by 1pm I suddenly got cabin fever and just couldn’t be at home anymore. Luckily one of my friends had a day off so I arranged to meet her.

I had a shower because it had been 5 days since my last shower and my hair was not feeling good. I quickly washed my hair, blow-dried it and got dressed. I was feeling good after my shower, I even put makeup on, which I very rarely do.

but the sunshine and the feeling of being clean made me feel pretty happy. Before I left I knew I had to call the doctors, I was supposed to make an appointment for last week, and then I put it off ad put it off but I knew I needed to do it today. I need the appointment for Friday or I will run out of medication. I have just 5 days left.

So I called my doctor, I asked to make an appointment with my doctor. The receptionist replied “it will have to be next week now” I told her I needed an appointment for Friday. She said, “please call back on Friday morning at 8:30” This annoyed me, they very clearly have appointments on Friday. So I told her I’d call back when I saw what day I had off the week after. I looked at my work rota  for the following week and saw that I had Thursday off. I called back and it rang and rang until someone hung up on me. So I waited for a minute, I was feeling pretty annoyed by this point. When I called again I spoke to the same receptionist. I asked to see my doctor on Thursday the 16th. “He’s not in that day, what about Friday?” she said. I’m at work that day! I snapped back. I told her I would see a different doctor. I am seeing a doctor I have never heard of, so I can only assume they are another trainee.

I want to try and get some more sleeping pills when I go, hopefully, this doctor will be more lenient than my regular doctor.

Anyway, I tried to put this stress behind me, but I was feeling a little annoyed. I quickly left my house. I realised quite a way into my journey that I had left my headphones at home, this was horrible but I got over it and met my friend we had lunch

She made me feel guilty from the off. she had been meeting someone else but put them off to see me, she didnt even know I was down, and I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t really talk. After we ate she made her excuses to leave, she had to see her ex-boyfriend.

My cabin fever was still overwhelming and I couldn’t return home. I didn’t feel safe with me. Most of my friends were at work and I didn’t want to bother them. so I wandered over to work. I stayed there for well over an hour. Nobody even seems to think its strange anymore when I turn up on my days off. If I was stronger id admit that I was there because I didn’t feel stable enough to be home alone.

when it hit 5:30, I knew I would inevitably have to go home. I called my brother and tried to make plans but he wasn’t interested. So I just decided to get the bus home. This was the worst part because now I had to be home and I wasn’t ok with that. I was trying not to cry. My mood was crashing I had no one to pretend to anymore. And that was that. I went home. The bus is a lonely place with no headphones.

I got home, I hardly spoke, I attempted come colouring, I attempted to eat, I attempted to write this twice. But I just didn’t really know what to do. I had the annoying overwhelming urge to cut myself. unfortunately, I did. I’m not happy. I’m not sad about it. I don’t really know why I did it. I really wish I didn’t have to wait until may 20th to see a professional, I wish I didn’t have to wait until April 16th to see a doctor. I considered calling the crisis team on the way home. But I thought they would probably laugh in my face.

It’s a shame really, I am a walking contradiction. I tell people to talk about their problems and I can’t do it.

Silly Elephant.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room


15 thoughts on “Toughing It Out

  1. The last bit really resonated with me. You’re not alone in thinking that, if that’s anything. In fact, the very bit “walking contradiction” I’ve written a gazillion times over and over again in my diary.
    God, it’s so hard. :/ Even little efforts can go a long way though, remember, and never discard those efforts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “It’s a shame really, I am a walking contradiction. I tell people to talk about their problems and I can’t do it.” I think we all have those times. I hope you can find a way.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. There is the Samaritans, they will at least listen, and you might feel better just to let go of some of these feelings.

    Do they not give you a repeat perscription, it would be better, and less hassle with making appointments.

    I get what you mean about “a walking contradiction” everything is just so off kilter, it’s hard to have any real semblance of order.

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sounds like we had the same type of day, elephant. And I’m sorry we did. Thank you for your courage in sharing with us and trusting us enough to be vulnerable. Your story will help SO many in feeling like they are not alone. I hope your evening has made a turn for the better, my friend.


    Liked by 1 person

  5. Elephant, remember how The Grinch got bumped when floating down and accidentally landed with the Whos? Grinch always felt out of place, odd, ugly, strange. Guess what….so did the Who, who landed with the Grinches. Grinch was a perfectly fine Grinch. Where am I going? You are surrounded by Grinches, or Whos or…Elephants, what ever you need. We get you. So what you day turned to crap and you cut yourself. Your hair smells great, your make up is fabulous and cuts heal. So next time you need to talk, trow out that trunk and I take it in my hand.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. AFSP has a hotline 24/7. Crisis intervention teams are on staff at most major hospitals. There is no shame in asking for help. I have been there. Please do not be afraid or ashamed to ask for an ear. Writing, thank you, helps for most. I know it does for me.


  7. You aren’t alone while we are all around 🙂 hey if having a good cry helps just do it. It actually sounds like the receptionist at your Doctors has been working there for to long and has lost all empathy. Hang on because there are good days, really good days mixed in with bad days and total shit days 😦 this will pass and I can’t wait to read about a good day because I know it is coming.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. And I thought I was the odd one out, because I sometimes go an entire week without a shower. I have an aide that comes in on Tuesdays, and one of her jobs is to help me with a shower, as I am a wheelchair user. I’ve found that if I get up and just put my clothes on, I can avoid that shower. I don’t understand this, as I always feel so much better after a shower…


  9. I find dealing with doctors’ surgeries quite demoralising as well (actually did a post about it today). Why is it always so hard to get through to them by phone? I always put it off as long as possible too because I find it so hard. Makes it worse when no one picks up! When I don’t have headphones on the bus I try meditating, to at least get some use out of the time! Take care.


  10. I hope you learn to talk about what’s wrong. Talking is like lancing an infected sore, the infection drains out and the sore has a chance to heal. I find talking about what’s wrong hard but I am learning to do it. God bless you hun. Stay strong.


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