I’m struggling today. I thought something was wrong when I woke up at 11AM,
I planned to stay home today, it was my day off from work. I wanted to stay at home, tidy my room, do some writing, do some colouring. I wrote a list but by 1pm I suddenly got cabin fever and just couldn’t be at home anymore. Luckily one of my friends had a day off so I arranged to meet her.
I had a shower because it had been 5 days since my last shower and my hair was not feeling good. I quickly washed my hair, blow-dried it and got dressed. I was feeling good after my shower, I even put makeup on, which I very rarely do.
but the sunshine and the feeling of being clean made me feel pretty happy. Before I left I knew I had to call the doctors, I was supposed to make an appointment for last week, and then I put it off ad put it off but I knew I needed to do it today. I need the appointment for Friday or I will run out of medication. I have just 5 days left.
So I called my doctor, I asked to make an appointment with my doctor. The receptionist replied “it will have to be next week now” I told her I needed an appointment for Friday. She said, “please call back on Friday morning at 8:30” This annoyed me, they very clearly have appointments on Friday. So I told her I’d call back when I saw what day I had off the week after. I looked at my work rota for the following week and saw that I had Thursday off. I called back and it rang and rang until someone hung up on me. So I waited for a minute, I was feeling pretty annoyed by this point. When I called again I spoke to the same receptionist. I asked to see my doctor on Thursday the 16th. “He’s not in that day, what about Friday?” she said. I’m at work that day! I snapped back. I told her I would see a different doctor. I am seeing a doctor I have never heard of, so I can only assume they are another trainee.
I want to try and get some more sleeping pills when I go, hopefully, this doctor will be more lenient than my regular doctor.
Anyway, I tried to put this stress behind me, but I was feeling a little annoyed. I quickly left my house. I realised quite a way into my journey that I had left my headphones at home, this was horrible but I got over it and met my friend we had lunch
She made me feel guilty from the off. she had been meeting someone else but put them off to see me, she didnt even know I was down, and I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t really talk. After we ate she made her excuses to leave, she had to see her ex-boyfriend.
My cabin fever was still overwhelming and I couldn’t return home. I didn’t feel safe with me. Most of my friends were at work and I didn’t want to bother them. so I wandered over to work. I stayed there for well over an hour. Nobody even seems to think its strange anymore when I turn up on my days off. If I was stronger id admit that I was there because I didn’t feel stable enough to be home alone.
when it hit 5:30, I knew I would inevitably have to go home. I called my brother and tried to make plans but he wasn’t interested. So I just decided to get the bus home. This was the worst part because now I had to be home and I wasn’t ok with that. I was trying not to cry. My mood was crashing I had no one to pretend to anymore. And that was that. I went home. The bus is a lonely place with no headphones.
I got home, I hardly spoke, I attempted come colouring, I attempted to eat, I attempted to write this twice. But I just didn’t really know what to do. I had the annoying overwhelming urge to cut myself. unfortunately, I did. I’m not happy. I’m not sad about it. I don’t really know why I did it. I really wish I didn’t have to wait until may 20th to see a professional, I wish I didn’t have to wait until April 16th to see a doctor. I considered calling the crisis team on the way home. But I thought they would probably laugh in my face.
It’s a shame really, I am a walking contradiction. I tell people to talk about their problems and I can’t do it.
The Elephant in the Room