Doctor, Doctor, My Brain Hates Me.

Dear Reader,

On Thursday, I went to the doctors for the first time in what feels like forever. I really should have gone last week but as there were no available appointments I had to wait until one was available. Unfortunately as I opted to get an appointment on my day off, it also meant I wasn’t able to see my regular doctor, I had to see a doctor I had never heard of, so naturally I imagined it would be another trainee.

Leading up to the appointment I hadn’t felt good, I had crashed pretty badly and cut myself. When I woke up Thursday morning I had to go to work for 4 hours, I felt terrible. I got to work and it was obvious I wasn’t ok. But I tried to carry on. I was upset anyway, but I felt even worse when I realised that my fellow employees just kind of expected these days from me. I didn’t want sympathy, I just wanted to feel like my illness was taken seriously.

About 2 hours after I started work, I broke down. I cried hysterically and made my assistant manager cry when I told her how much I hate myself and how I know everything is my fault and that no matter what she tries to say to convince me different. I know I am not worth anyone’s time or effort. I didn’t mean to upset anyone. But unfortunately I tend to that when I’m down.

Sometimes I think I should just pretend I’m ok. I don’t want to upset anyone by bringing them down.

I left work and went to my appointment, when the doctor called me in I realised he wasn’t a trainee. He was a little older than I imagined he would be. He talked to me about my depression. He seemed upset about the self-harm, he asked if it was for pain or to see blood. I never really knew the answer to this to be honest, but we decided it was for pain. He suggested I tie an elastic band around my wrist and ping it instead of cutting myself. His theory is that it will hurt me, but the marks it leaves will fade unlike the scars cutting does. It was the first time I felt a doctor took my self-harming seriously and instead of just telling me to stop, tried to help me find an alternative way.

He asked about my family and if my parents were supportive. When I told him they didn’t know he asked why, I explained I didn’t think they were emotionally able to handle it. and he suddenly seemed very sad. He said he would be distraught if he thought his son felt the way I did and was unable to tell him. I understand his point, but, my parents just aren’t ready yet.

He asked if he could measure and weigh me, I was shocked to see I had lost a bit of weight, but also that I was only 5 foot 2 and the 5 foot 4 I have been convinced I was since I was 18.

We talked about my upcoming appointment and I explained that I was a little nervous, he told me not to be. I told him I didn’t feel my pills were working and he said that they may change my medication or add to it but that he couldn’t do anything and it would be for the doctor at my appointment to decide.

I told him I was struggling to sleep because I was so anxious about the appointment and he prescribed me some more zopiclone. He said that, that was it. No more zopiclone after this. he doubled the dose from 3.75mg (which apparently is for children and the elderly) to 7.5mg. I will be trying those on Monday.

He was really nice, and I felt a lot better after my appointment. As I was leaving he shook my hand, then he said “Now get out of here, you have better things to do.” It made me laugh. Because the sad thing is, I don’t. That was the best thing I had to do that day.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

25 thoughts on “Doctor, Doctor, My Brain Hates Me.

  1. I’m glad you happened upon a Dr who listened to and cared for you. Albeit anxiety provoking, sometimes a fresh face can be a good thing. I can relate to how you feel about your parents too. Mine are unaware that I am under the Crisis Team this weekend…they simply can’t handle certain aspects of my illness, and me coping alone really is for the best.

    With best wishes,

    Louise x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It makes such a difference to see a doctor you feel actually is listening to you! (shouldn’t is always be that way…)
    I totally relate to how you feel. Keep pushing through. The rubber band idea is good. You can kind of train your brain that this is the solution instead of cutting. That’s one of the methods I used. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 2 people

  3. What a great appointment that was! Too bad he cannot be your regular doctor. Maybe he will make progress where others have not. At least it was truly not a trainee or someone who is clueless. That alternative measure he suggested is something I would be interested in if it works for you or not. Please let us know. We all do care to see what happens and that things truly get better for you!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This is really touching. I’ve found that doctors can make or break my week, depending on their reaction. It sounds like you hit the jackpot with this one and I’m glad they helped.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. These are the doctors that people like us need! The caring, lighthearted ones. It makes the experience less overwhelming. I’m sorry you are experiencing such hardship but remember that you are not alone xx always here to chat

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Reading this really makes me realise how much I need to go to the Doctors. I’m so scared of going though and I’ve never really opened up to them before. I’ve never shared even half the stuff that goes on in my head and because of that I’ve never really been truly diagnosed. I think it might be time for me soon though. I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay.
    Thank you as always for sharing xx


  7. It makes me hurt, especially as a parent to hear the way you seem to try to curl up and make yourself small and unobtrusive so as not to “bother” anyone.

    You are so precious.

    You matter. A lot.

    It’s ok to hurt, to be angry, to be frustrated and most certainly to express that. I’m really glad you at least blog.

    Imagine a bottle of soda/pop being shaken over and over and having no exit. From what I have read of the you between the words, this is what I see being how maybe the urges to self-harm or the panic attacks might creep on you?

    Expressing your distress, admitting you need some time to rest, asking for support from your family and friends… these are way you fight for yourself. Sending good vibes to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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