I can’t have friends. I’m not ok and I can’t pretend I am ok with everyone in my life anymore and now it seems that the people who I can’t pretend in front of anymore, can’t take me anymore.
For a long time, I didn’t let people in. I didn’t tell people about my depression or my feelings and it’s probably really only in the last two years I have started being more open honest with people about my mental health with not only people that I am “close” to, but others.
I have a small group of friends, an even smaller group who know about my mental health. And even smaller group who understand my mental health… I say understand they understand some things. Some have experienced depression. But as most of us are aware, everyone has their own brand of depression. What affects some people does not affect others.
I put myself down a lot. Or so I am told. Personally I feel I am just honest. I do feel aspects of my problems in life and my relationships are my fault. My friends disagree and that is where our problems begin. People tell me a lot that things that are beyond my control are not my fault. Unfortunately, I have some kind of complex when it comes to myself and I feel I am to blame for most things.
Sometimes I think that Asperger’s is the root cause of these feelings, that my brain, which likes to think logically, sees something which needs to have a reason for being, it blames the common object: Me.
I was told today that if I was going to carry on talking this way I shouldn’t have let people in. I may have misinterpreted, I’m probably misquoting and I think it was said in frustration and fear of what I was going to do to myself when I got home more than anything.
I had spent the last hour moping around talking about how I didn’t feel like I wanted to be alive anymore, how I was a shit employee who made people’s lives difficult, how everything was my fault and how I was scared to go home and be alone in case I hurt myself. And I was being honest, with people I had began to feel comfortable with admitting my feelings to. I was being honest about the things that my brain constantly makes me feel. But, I can see where my friend was coming from. She and my other friend there are probably one of only 3 people I would vocally tell these feelings to. Of course anonymously I vocalise these thoughts frequently here.
But she was right and it made me remember that for a long time I didn’t let people in. I thought I was happier letting people in, telling people how I felt. But maybe I’m not. Because now I feel worse. I didn’t let people in because I knew how much my thoughts could upset them and I didn’t want to be the cause of more stress and upset in people’s lives. But somehow I lost track of that goal. I let people in and I found that it made me feel better to have people I could talk to. But I forgot about their feelings.
I know some of you will read this and think my friend was selfish to say what she did. But hear me out. Her words were not said out of malice but because she cares about me, and so does my other friend. She said those things because hearing me talk that way is heartbreaking for them. I am caught between the logical part of my brain that tells me to retreat from my friends and tell them I am ok again. Or to remember that people do care about me and that I sometimes I might be wrong about how I feel about myself.
Unfortunately, the fact that my brain autopilots on to blaming myself for everything means that what my friend has said has destroyed me. I feel terrible for hurting my friends. And that truly is my fault.
The Elephant in the Room
And now I don’t know what to do.