It’s been over a week since my last post. And some of you may be disappointed (I am) and I don’t blame you because the topic of this post is disappointment. And how disappointment is one of my main triggers for depression.
It’s natural to feel disappointment. And maybe a little bit selfish. I mean, you get disappointed when things don’t go the way you expected right? and sometimes I feel that maybe that’s a bit selfish. But what do I know?
Disappointment makes me depressed. Incredibly depressed. There have been a few things over the last few weeks that have really disappointed me and all in all I have slipped into quite a negative mind state and quite a paralysing depression. Paralysing in that I have found myself completely unable to concentrate and unfortunately, become more and more depressed, by the way those around me have acted.
This all began after my appointment two weeks ago, I felt completely ignored and I am still waiting for a phone call from whoever the hell the psychiatric nurse decided was going to help me and to be honest. I have kind of given up. I have been depressed for a long time, I tried to help myself but it feels like she didn’t want to help. she just wanted to palm me off to a service that I am going to struggle to use because of my inconsistent work hours. And I am going to end up seeing her again a year down the line and being palmed off again.
She tried to prescribe me over my legal dose of antidepressants, to sedate me. but decided against it because I work. she asked to see my ‘self-harm’ scars because I don’t think she believed me. I felt deflated after the appointment and I haven’t re-flated since. I am so disappointed in the treatment I have received and I am so disappointed in myself for not trying harder to correct her. I just had nothing left at that point and I gave up.
But, this is not the only thing that has left me disappointed recently. I’m feeling disappointed with my job. I know I was taught how to close the shop as a last resort. But on Sunday I was left to manage the shop on my own. This was entirely out of my comfort zone, but I did good. Nothing bad happened. I did it. And I felt so proud of myself. But ever since I have felt incredibly disappointed. Because I realised that I am literally the last resort for this, I am not really important. I am just there for when everyone else can’t be bothered. I am doing a lot of over time this week, which is good. Because I need the money. I was supposed to be working 6 days this week, which I know is not ideal and isn’t really allowed (I have done it before) but instead of letting me work the 6 days, I have had a day taken off me. Now, I understand their point. But I just don’t want to be on my own anymore. I don’t want another day off where I just sit in bed and read lists about crappy pop culture references. I want to be at work. And to be honest, it’s made me feel like I need to get out of my job and find something more stimulating that pays more and gives me more hours. But at the same time I don’t want to leave my friends at my job. I know if I leave I won’t see them often if at all. I don’t know what I want.
When I was little I never had any real clear ideas of what I wanted when I grew up, I wanted to dig up dinosaurs, make films or work in an office. I wanted a job that kept me busy. But, I didn’t necessarily know what that job was. And I still don’t.
But, I have become side-tracked, I am talking about disappointment. This is going to be a short post today because I’m going to end it with the thing that disappointed me most recently. One of my best friends has made me feel bad, and I know it wasn’t her intention. But she has. and that really makes me sad.
I had a bit of a mental breakdown last week. I couldn’t stop crying and talking about how much I suck and stuff and she basically said that it wasn’t fair on her to hear me say things like that because it affected her mental health. And then she basically told me that I need to hide how I feel because that’s what she has to do and now I feel I can’t talk to her anymore because the truth is I’m not ok, I have done pretending. For years. years and years of making people think I am ok. and when I finally get comfortable enough around someone that I can show them that I am not ok. That takes a lot for me. It is so hard for me to just be ‘ME’ with someone. But now, I feel I shouldn’t do that, I should go back to pretending because. I don’t want to upset anyone else.
This has gone full circle for me. My reason for not revealing my depression was so as not to worry or upset people. I got over those feelings only to be reminded of them last week. And so now I am in limbo. A limbo of regressing back into a depression that I don’t feel I can get out of because my branches of support are no longer able to hold my weight. The medical branches and the friendship branches.
Thanks for listening to me rant everyone, Sorry it’s been so long.
The Elephant in the Room