No Change

I have always found humour to be the only way that I am able to not only understand other people, but also to understand myself. However, from the disgusted tone of my mother’s voice last night. Telling her, jokingly that I no longer care about anything was a mistake. In fact, a direct quote from her would be “you’re being ridiculous. Don’t say that again.” 

But I really don’t think I care about anything anymore. And I guess to the outside world that’s scary, it’s dehumanising. And whilst I may be ok with hearing it come out of my mouth. Others aren’t. 

The issue is ever since about December I have just felt that every attempt I make to get better is futile and maybe that’s my fault. If I can’t be an advocate for my own mental health how can I expect someone else to be? 

I have been taking my medication sporadically for three weeks now. And besides the withdrawal panic attacks, which are the terrible, and the seething uncontrollable anger. I don’t feel anymore numb or pointless then I did on my pills. 

And I was fine in my world of denial. pretending I was better off without the medication that was clearly not helping me. Until I made the unconscious decision to blurt out that I was no longer taking my pills, automatically hurtling myself back to proverbial hell. 

I don’t scare myself, I’m content in pretending that its ok. But I know deep down that what is happening to me isn’t ok, it isn’t healthy and most of all its not normal. and I keep making excuses for my behaviour, and whilst I know I can no longer let my illness be the scapegoat for the decisions I make. Unfortunately, I can’t stop because its the only thing I know how to do. 

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22 thoughts on “No Change

  1. There is also Depression Anonymous, perhaps near you. Taking meds sporadically is worse than not taking them at all as far as having your moods on an even keel This page says there are both face to face and online meetings you can attend.
    http://12step.org/social/meetings/

    as to your mother – there are lots of people who don’t know how to react to what to us is a normal thing to say/feel. I’m sorry her reaction was like that. But honestly she has no clue and it’s not her fault. Altho it would be nice if she’d try to find out. If indeed she knows that you have a diagnosis. Does she?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I need to be a little bit more blunt with my doctor. I dont feel like anything is getting better and I need more help.

      as for my mum she doesnt know about my diagnosis. She would worry too much and I dont want that. She worries about my grandfather 24/7 and I feel guilty adding to that

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, please get on a steady stream of meds. They take time to work. And you deserve to LIVE, not just simply EXIST.

    And don’t take your mother’s comments too deeply. Mom doesn’t always know best. I’m a mom and can tell you first hand that parents are only other ordinary, fallible humans who happened to have kids. We goof a lot.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I have never really felt like my pills are working, its a shame really because I really want to get better but Im feeling even less and less like I can.

      I think we all expect our parents to know best, I feel more and more like am mothering my own mother though. especially with the amount of things I dont tell her for her own safety.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t take your mums words to heart, you’ve had a difficult year and probably still coming to terms with that.

    Take your meds if they help, or dare ?i say it go back to the GP and see what they say, you are a great advocate for mental health, you try everyday to find a way to get well, and that is no mean feat, it’s a hard slog and humour can be a great way to take the pressure off.

    Take care x

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It sucks when you want to be well but all you’ve ever known is how to be unwell. Each step taken toward wellness makes you want to retreat back into the darkness. It’s foreign. It’s overwhelming! It’s almost as if we become co-dependant on our illness. I hope the tide will turn soon for you. Until then baby steps… many hugs…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are perfectly within your right as a human on the planet, to say what you are feeling. It was very narcissistic of her to tell you how to feel, how not to feel , or to not express what you feel.
    I have had about enough of the narcissists. We do not have to play their game. They cannot have their way all the time.
    We are not their little toys to play with and to make us talk like children making their dolls talk.
    Yes the dolls obey you but they are made of plastic and their feeling are not devastated .
    Be yourself. narcissists are NEVER happy with you. Even if they pretend to be for a day or so, it is just some kind of game they are playing.
    The sooner you and I can get out Sh%t together and move out away from our narcissists, the sooner we will have more sane brains.
    But in the mean time…You do not have to feel what someone else tell you to feel.
    Love,
    Annie ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • I know. I am stuck too. One of the other things that I have seen happen, if they have some benefit to want you living with them, is that they undermine your finances is covert ways.
        Mail gets opened…and they “accidentally ” find out about your raise, unexpected money, and know what is in bank accounts.
        I recently had a letter from a bank and it was ” opened in error”

        My sister in law received a payment due to her once, which was ” accidentally opened ” and the result was an increase in her original deposit to live here, payable now.

        If I ever had an increase in money, or unexpected money, he would find an excuse to take it or raise my rent just to make sure i dont get any traction.
        Someone suggested to me to open a post office box. I might check into that.
        But even that is frustrating because when you have to change what you would normally do like that, just to keep them from getting fuel for their fire, they are still controlling you.
        Good luck. Sorry that you have had to endure it for so many years.
        Annie

        Like

  6. Often times I joke around about stuff similar to what you said to your mom, and I get the same response of I’m being “ridiculous”. Don’t listen to them. I know how it feels, and how it hurts that someone can say that to you, and not know how you are feeling. However, take your own feelings into account, because they *are* valid. Hardest thing I’ve had to deal with and sometimes still struggle with even after a year of going to therapy is letting myself feel my own emotions and telling myself they are valid.

    It gets better, I promise. A year ago I was in your same predicament, and if someone were to tell me a year ago that I would feel/think/be how I’am now I wouldn’t have believed them, but it does get better. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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