Fear and Loathing in (a) Blog Hiatus

Dear Reader,

I seem to have taken an involuntary hiatus. It’s been a long time since I wrote anything and I feel bad about that. Sometimes I get to a point where I keep putting things off and then I feel embarrassed and feel it’s too late to do something and feel like an idiot. I’m sorry everyone. In fact the only way to describe how I felt was that I was scared to come online and find more work to do when I didn’t have the brain capacity to do the work I had in real life. In fact. it was a more exaggerated way of the way I feel about texts and facebook. Often I will receive a facebook message or text and avoid it at all costs because I am terrified about having a conversation that leads to me making more excuses to not meet them.

I go to the doctors tomorrow. It’s been three months since I have seen a doctor. I have decided repeat prescriptions aren’t right for me. I need to see the doctor because I don’t feel able to make appointments between, although they always tell me I should make them If I feel bad. I feel like I’m wasting their time. I realise by saying that I’m keeping the stigma alive. But if I had a physical illness id feel the same. I haven’t even told the doctor about what I know is a heel spur in my right foot, or the three cysts I have growing on my scalp.

So many things have happened in the last few weeks and I’ve been up and down. Mostly down.

once I returned from my holiday I decided to rearrange my room. And I started, then I got fed up and just lay on my bed, with a big pile of stuff in the middle of my floor, which has been there for two weeks now.

My mum had a bit of a mental breakdown one Sunday night after we watched a TV show where a character’s mum died.

She told me I should see a doctor and “break the cycle”. That both her and my Grandma suffered from anxiety. I always thought my Grandma was so strong, she never seemed anxious, she always seemed so calm. Towards the end of her life, the anxiety was radiating from her and that was sad. I have always known how anxious my mum is. It has affected my life dramatically, her fear of losing me and my brother has had a negative effect on me mentally.
My mum told me she used to pick at her arms, leaving her with scars that she was embarrassed to show, she said it was like self-harming, and she’s right. It was. She said she knew I had cut myself. She told me she would always be there for me. But still I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about how I feel. in fact I mostly stared ahead, sighed and nodded.

Today at work I had a bad time. I was angry, scared and sad. Some colleagues pissed me off today. And I got so angry I went to the stock room and hit a wall. And that makes me sad because I am terrified of my own anger. Absolutely terrified that one day I will crack and beat someone to death or lash out at the wrong person. I keep things bottled up. All emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger and all of those emotions merge into a ball of anger and once the anger starts leaking out I begin to struggle until I have physically destroyed something or hurt myself. And that is obviously not a good thing to worry about.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I still have not had a call from anyone regarding the psychiatric nurses phone call. Tomorrow is the first time I will see a doctor since that day. And I need to tell him that I feel ignore and let down and disheartened. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel I’m not going to get help and I don’t know if I even care enough about it anymore to do anything. A small victory is that I will be seeing the doctor I saw that was really supportive. I am so happy I will be seeing him again.

I’m sorry I disappeared, no more involuntary hiatuses for this Elephant. All I have got from avoiding the blogosphere was a multitude of bottled up emotions. On the other hand, I received some lovely messages and it really meant a lot to me to know that people care. Thank you, and I am sorry to have worried you.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Fear and Loathing in (a) Blog Hiatus

  1. Especially the first paragraph: I know exactly what you mean.

    Also, I too am a little terrified of my own anger. There are ways around it. Anger is kind of a necessary emotion. But I’m still not 100% there yet. Just wanted to say that it’s a fixable problem and you’re not alone on that front.

    It feels a little silly to say best wishes, but I sincerely wish you the best with this situation. It’s not easy, but it’s also not permanent. Good luck! -LB

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I certainly relate… especially to the avoidance issues. And, the inability to make appointments when they’re needed. AND, the feeling ignored and not getting the proper help I need. Feeling like it’s never going to happen.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. In my last message that sometimes we reveal too much and that can scare us off, because were not telling the people who can do something about it, that being said the support here is very good.

    Being online can make you busier in other ways , it’s not obligation exactly but finding the right words to express yourself clearly.

    It’s good that you and your mum havebeen talking, and seem to have much in common as regards anxiety and self harm, I understand your reluctance to go deeper into the whole topic with her, considering your both pretty fragile emotional at this time, and remember your both still grieving, which can take a long time.

    Good news your seeing the doctor, who listened, perhaps he can help a little more such as writing a letter to fully explain your symptoms from a medical point of view which in urn if you have another appointment they won’t be so quick with their diagnoses.

    Good to see you posting 🙂

    Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m glad that you recognize that blogging is therapeutic for you. I enjoy it reading your writing. Keep at it but this is your space to do whatever it is you feel either way you’ll have the support of your readers I hope your appointment goes well ☺

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s