My Brain Is About To Explode.

Dear Reader,

So it’s been a week since my doctors visit which I didn’t talk about because I was upset at the time and I still am now. I was happy to be going to see a doctor that was really nice and supportive last time I saw him and that made me feel better. But his attitude was different this time and I just left feeling deflated.

I told the doctor I wasn’t happy with my last appointment at the hospital. How I felt the psychiatric nurse didn’t listen and I felt disheartened by it all and he basically said that it was “tough”. And I would now be treated for anxiety as that was the “label” she had given me. I told him the lady had said IAPT (The NHS mental health services) would call me within a few weeks and they didn’t. He asked why I haven’t called them to chase it. Why the hell should I? It takes all of my damn energy to get out of bed in the morning, why should I chase up a call I was told I would be receiving? He seemed frustrated that I hadn’t made an effort to get them to call me but whatever, my mood was slipping dramatically by this point. 

Then he asked what I wanted from the appointment. I hate that question. It’s not my job to treat me. If I had no knowledge of mental illness I would be stumped by that question. Would he ask a cancer patient or a diabetic what they wanted from an appointment? I severely doubt it. And this is what pisses me off. I feel like that psychiatric nurse didn’t believe I was depressed, I have said that before. So I have a hard time talking to people I hardly know about how I want to kill myself. Is that wrong? Because I put on a mask and act like I’m ok out of habit I am treated like I’m faking it. Maybe I’m just paranoid. But it all just really made me feel crappy.

To answer his “what do you want out of this appointment question” I told him I wanted different medication. Citalopram isn’t helping, it’s making me anxious. He agreed and put me on 50mg of sertraline well that was fine until he decided to tell me that this medication will probably make me put weight on and that my weight is already “an issue” Last time I saw this guy he measured me and weighed me. He didn’t mention my weight then, he didn’t even tell me what I weighed. I mean I know i’m not skinny, but jeez!

Then I told him I needed some more of the contraceptive pill. He flat out told me “no” he said, two other women my age had had blood clots on their lungs in the last few months because of their “weight” So I was kind of annoyed. I understand his point but he’s putting me at risk of pregnancy which let’s be honest in my mental state isn’t a good idea. So he tested my blood pressure, which was fine.) He suggested I have the implant or the coil inserted into me, I told him I did not want a government drone in my arm or vagina. And magically there was all of a sudden another pill I could have but it was less effective. But! It doesn’t put me at risk of a blood clot. God only knows why he didn’t tell me about that to begin with.

So I left. Feeling upset and let down. But with a hand-scrawled plan for me to come off of Citalopram. Take a 20mg dose for a week (half the dose I was taking) then take a 20mg pill every other day for a week. then to take a 4-day break before moving on to the Sertraline.

I got home and decided to take up the offer of the few people who always tell me they are “always” there if I need them.” I was feeling pretty bad by this point, I felt like hurting myself. So I messaged 2 of my “always there for me” Team. Neither responded all day, all night or even the next day. Which is fair enough. But why tell me that? Why say you will “ALWAYS” be there for me if you can’t “ALWAYS” I don’t want to sound like the dick who talks about the “power” of words, but Always is a powerful word. There is a reason I have never told anyone I would “Always” be there for them and that is just it. I can’t be there for myself most of the time.

But rolling back to the evening after the appointment I cut myself. I had literally just told the doctor I hadn’t cut myself for a few days. And then I did it again, like the idiot I am.

Coming of Citalopram has been terrible. I am fluctuating between intense anger and severe depression. I spent last Wednesday crying and trying to prevent myself from crying. I spent today feux threats to break people’s necks because there were pissing me off. Mostly just the stupid woman I work with who has decided once again to ignore me! But that’s for another post.

Next week a girl is coming back to work from her maternity leave who mostly makes my work life crap. So, in between the withdrawal and coming off of my medication. Having to go through what will probably be my worst week (next week when I am taking no medication) alone as the people that support me at work are both on holiday. I am going to crack. I am going suffer badly. And I literally have no idea how I am going to cope anymore.

I am beginning to feel I have to justify my illness. Like that stupid hospital woman told them all she didn’t think it was serious. Like she thought I was ok or not as “sick” as my usual doctor had said. But I am sick. And I am going back to my old doctor next time. I give up. I can’t fix me and I don’t feel like anyone else wants to.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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21 thoughts on “My Brain Is About To Explode.

  1. I know the frustration you feel regarding your doctors appointment. The right doctor can make the difference. Bear with it, your recovery will take time, but you’ll get there! and remember: if today is the worst day in the world, then tomorrow can only be better 🙂 take care

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I wish that people who go into the helping professions actually had some kind of gift for it or extra amounts of empathy and insight. It seems like mostly regular old people go into this field like they think it is easy money to “help people.” The good ones are far too rare. I’m especially sorry to hear that the friends who said you could always call on them didn’t really mean it.

    As a side note: I was on Sertraline for awhile and did not gain weight. I know everybody is different, but maybe you also will not have to deal with that side effect. Maybe one less thing to feel crappy about.

    I hope you will write more often because it might help take the place of people who disappoint.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Citolopram is a horrible anti depressant, glad your off it, I kinda went cold turkey with mine, and felt like crap for days,with all kinds of weird thoughts and dreams.

    Doctors often it seems think that we have to do a lot for ourselves, which in a perfect world we would wouldn’t we? and with a correct diagnoses, treatment , medication, you could begin to feel your winning the battle and eventually the war, for some reason the medical profession don’t get that.

    The ” I’ll always be there for you” phrase I take with a pinch of salt, as you pointed out they can’t always be there, which is OK, people tend not to think about the words they use, phrases like that are a bit of a catchall, and don’t always have any depth to them, which doesn’t help you except increase your feelings of isolation.

    I think it’s a good idea to go back to your old doctor and probably chase the appointment, you might get someone who sees your problem differently, the process is long and the good old NHS need a a kick in the behind with dealing with mental health, the services at times seem woefully inadequate.

    Hope work won’t be too awful next week, and you get through until you can start your new medication.

    Take care 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  4. So this is a regular doctor you are seeing? (since he’s prescribing birth control) – I would not expect much from him – a regular psychiatrist is better re psych meds – but as to counseling, a regular counselor. It’s too bad you can’t ask friends if they recommend anyone. I’ve had one since 03 that knows me like a book. A GOOD book hahaha. Sorry I couldn’t resist 😉 Anyway – you are trying real hard to get your needs met. And yes I hate to say it but you do need to chase them down, that’s not to say people are being irresponsible in not calling you back THEY ARE and it SHOULD make you mad! But still – no one else will take care of you but you – even if you pay them! grr…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I am so sorry. This is terrible. What is wrong with these people? It is like they do not think of the patients as people….just a chore to get done fast.
    So sad…..
    I cannot promise the Always be there thing but if you emailed me I would resond in a reasonable amount of time…..
    michelemimimish@gmail
    Love
    Annie<3 😇❤💕

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Ever hear of the self-fulfilling prophesy? Every time you think about how bad something is going to be, you set yourself to feel bad about it. I have take 200mg of Sertraline a day, which treats depression in a different way than others, such as Welbutrin, which I also take. Now, depression has had much less influence on my daily life, so I wish you well, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I hope this isn’t a weird thing to say, but I can usually be there for you, if you need to talk to someone. Maybe not literally every second of every day–but I don’t think I’ve ever left anyone hanging all day and overnight, in this sort of situation. I know I don’t know you at all, but if you need someone to talk to, there’s gotta be some way to swap Facebook details or something. Sorry if that’s a creepy thing to say, I just read a lot of blogs by people who are struggling with mental health issues, and you’re the 1st one who’s tried 2 “always” people and had them both let you down (for whatever reason). Everyone needs an actual “always” someone. I have at least 2 myself, and 1 has literally never left me hanging in such an event. I know what it would have been like, if they had.

    Can I help?

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I’m so sorry your “always” people let you down. They suck! However, it looks like you have quite a few people here who would love to be there for you so I hope that made you feel a little better. I’ve read so many bad things about the healthcare system for the head, but I’ve also read so many great stories about it. It really is just a hit and miss kind of thing so please don’t give up! Hoping you get to feeling better soon!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I know only too well what your going through. Been there, done that, never got the stupid help I needed. It’s so frustrating knowing that it is happening to so many people affected with different mental health problems. I really do hope you get the help and support you need. Sending you so much love and support xx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Uggghhh!!! and I was so looking forward to a good report about your doctor’s visit I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s nothing like asking for help and having someone tell you (basically) that you don’t need any. Asses!!!

    It’s amazing how meds work for others, don’t work for others and cause major side effects even for others. I actually didn’t start getting relief with my symptoms until I got put on the celexa. I’m up to 40 milligrams now which is the max dose in the US. Wish it could go up more cuz I don’t feel like the lamictal is working.

    I know it’s going to be a rough week for you but I hope that by some miracle it will go so much better than expected. Sending hugs hugs and hugs and more hugs…

    Liked by 2 people

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