Where do I start? I want to start this post by saying that right now I feel as though I am in Limbo. I’m not sure how I feel. In fact, the only emotion I’m having that I can coherently explain is fear.
I will say now that I have started my new medication, 50MG of Sertraline. I think I need an increase so that will be discussed with my doctor on my next appointment. I am also finally going to talk to him about my heal pain as it has got a lot worse in the last week or so.
But let’s get to the real point of this post. Why do I feel as though I am in limbo?
Two weeks ago my Nan went into hospital. This is my Dad’s mum. She has always been very independent and strong. When my granddad died (her partner) she carried on, she was so very strong. She had her hip replaced a few years ago and people were amazed by her strength and how she would walk up the large hill from her house to the shops regularly.
My Nan was ok, well. She wasn’t any more ill than anyone else in their 70’s aches and pains, trouble getting up. We put it down to old age.
Two weeks ago my Nan started to get a lot of pain in her stomach, then she began being sick when she ate. This happened for 3 days. At this point, the Dr gave her some pills and told her that if the pills didn’t help she would have to go to hospital. They didn’t work, so off she went.
She was admitted straight away, at first we were told she had an infection, they pumped her full of antibiotics, she seemed to be getting better but she had a few blood clots in her stomach, Then after a week she was able to eat again and we were happy about that. They started to think she may have cervical cancer, and they were pretty confident that it was exclusive to the cervix. Which was whilst it was a horrible thought, the Dr seemed optimistic.
The she started to be sick again and got more blood clots. After a week and a half she was no longer able to get out of bed, she was unable to breathe properly and she was unable to eat again.
Yesterday the Dr gave us bad news. They still don’t really know what’s wrong with her. They aren’t sure where the cancer is. It could be in her ovaries. But, she has gone into kidney, liver and lung failure. They have said that they are reluctant to resuscitate her, that the failure of those organs is putting stress on her heart. They have told us that if anyone “needs” to see her, or there is someone she wants to see. To do it now.
Who knows how much longer she has left. Two weeks ago my Nan was the strongest most independent person I knew. My role model for a future I fear I may spend alone. her bravery and strength in coping after my granddad died truly made me think that I could be alone.
But seeing her go down hill so fast is horrible, and more than anything recent revelations have shown me just how alike we are. It seems my Nan has been bleeding for 6-12 months. And she has not spoken to her Dr about this. Whilst I know my heal pain is nothing like that. I keep thinking “maybe it will go away” and that’s why I never told my doctor about it. I’m sure it’s just a heel spur or a carpel tunnel. But “maybe it will go away” Is what she kept saying to herself too.
My Nan and I are incredibly alike, we both just carry on as if things will get better but the truth is sometimes things just don’t.
So as for limbo, today at work, knowing there was a possibility I would go home and find out she had died made not want to leave more than usual. As I finished work I had a panic attack, I was too scared to leave. Eventually, I plucked up the courage to leave. I got home, my brother hadn’t been to work and shortly after I got home my dad came home. He had been sent home from work because he was getting upset.
It seems most of my family would rather be at home then work whilst facing this situation. However, I would much rather be at work. Anything that takes my mind off of things is good to me.
I never, ever thought I would bury two grandparents in 2015. But that is becoming increasingly likely.
The Elephant in the Room