It’s been a few weeks since my last post because in all honesty I have no idea what to say at the moment.
So on August 24th my Nan passed away. As I said previously it’s been a bit of a shock. You see when my grandma died in February it was a shock, she had just come out of the hospital. But she had become so frail and ill looking and as much as it was a shock, it wasn’t. When my nan went in to hospital, she had been throwing up whenever she ate. They thought it was a virus or an infection. In the end it took just over three weeks for her to go from being completely independent to unable to breath on her own. She died in her sleep. But not before I had seen her wake up and beg for help. Which was heartbreaking. Of course there was nothing anyone could do except sedate her further with painkillers.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I feel. Like when my grandma died I have felt this odd sense of calm over the last few weeks which has been confusing and upsetting. I don’t think I should feel calm.
Her funeral is next Wednesday and I am not looking forward to it one bit. I mean, why would I? it’s a funeral. But after my grandma’s funeral and the complete disaster that became my drunken parents at the end was soul destroying. And I really hope its not like that this time because I will flip. And I don’t want to shout at my parents. Especially when they are both grieving the loss of their mums.
I visited my doctor last week, I didn’t tell him about my nan, I just couldn’t get the words out. Instead, I spoke about my foot pain which I have discovered is Plantar Fasciitis. My doctor says I will probably get it again. But my job that requires me to stand up for 8 hours a day obviously isn’t helping me at all.
my medication seems to be working ok at the moment, but I don’t really know what is going on for me right now. I think I am still in limbo.
I had a dream last night, at one point in the dream I saw my nan, but I knew at this point in the dream that I was seeing a ghost or a spirit. Basically, I knew she was dead and I was seeing her. All I remember is she told me she was still in pain, but she was sharing it with my granddad. (he passed away in 2006) then I hugged her and I was crying. She disappeared shortly after that.
Some of you may have read before about how I had seen my grandma in dreams shortly after her death. I like to think this is their way of seeing me one last time. But in reality it’s probably my brain fighting to make me “ok”
So, I’m sorry it’s been so long, but I wanted to make sure that I had something to write. Because my head is all over the place and I can’t concentrate. My thoughts are racing more than usual when I go to bed my head is filled with sounds and thoughts and I can’t sleep. Just last night I fell asleep at 11pm because I was exhausted from the lack of sleep the previous night. I woke up at 4am to my brain singing the same line of the song “Uptown Funk” over and over, then me deciding to google the law about taking a signature upon refund. and Then I decided to google the episodes of a TV series so I could see where I was up to in an episode guide. By this time it was 5am, I decided it was time to go back to sleep, but Uptown Funk just wouldn’t quit. I was passed 6am when I finally went to sleep. And then I was up at 7am for work.
So, once again, I apologise for the time between posts, the rambling of this post and the complete lack of ability for me to respond to anything in my comments section. Im sorry everyone. It really means a lot that people take the time to comment and I probably seem like a horrible idiot for not responding.
The Elephant in the Room