Purposely Untitled

Dear Reader,

It’s been a few weeks since my last post because in all honesty I have no idea what to say at the moment.

So on August 24th my Nan passed away. As I said previously it’s been a bit of a shock. You see when my grandma died in February it was a shock, she had just come out of the hospital. But she had become so frail and ill looking and as much as it was a shock, it wasn’t. When my nan went in to hospital, she had been throwing up whenever she ate. They thought it was a virus or an infection. In the end it took just over three weeks for her to go from being completely independent to unable to breath on her own. She died in her sleep. But not before I had seen her wake up and beg for help. Which was heartbreaking. Of course there was nothing anyone could do except sedate her further with painkillers.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I feel. Like when my grandma died I have felt this odd sense of calm over the last few weeks which has been confusing and upsetting. I don’t think I should feel calm.

Her funeral is next Wednesday and I am not looking forward to it one bit. I mean, why would I? it’s a funeral. But after my grandma’s funeral and the complete disaster that became my drunken parents at the end was soul destroying. And I really hope its not like that this time because I will flip. And I don’t want to shout at my parents. Especially when they are both grieving the loss of their mums.

I visited my doctor last week, I didn’t tell him about my nan, I just couldn’t get the words out. Instead, I spoke about my foot pain which I have discovered is Plantar Fasciitis. My doctor says I will probably get it again. But my job that requires me to stand up for 8 hours a day obviously isn’t helping me at all.

my medication seems to be working ok at the moment, but I don’t really know what is going on for me right now. I think I am still in limbo.

I had a dream last night, at one point in the dream I saw my nan, but I knew at this point in the dream that I was seeing a ghost or a spirit. Basically, I knew she was dead and I was seeing her. All I remember is she told me she was still in pain, but she was sharing it with my granddad. (he passed away in 2006) then I hugged her and I was crying. She disappeared shortly after that.

Some of you may have read before about how I had seen my grandma in dreams shortly after her death. I like to think this is their way of seeing me one last time. But in reality it’s probably my brain fighting to make me “ok”

So, I’m sorry it’s been so long, but I wanted to make sure that I had something to write. Because my head is all over the place and I can’t concentrate. My thoughts are racing more than usual when I go to bed my head is filled with sounds and thoughts and I can’t sleep. Just last night I fell asleep at 11pm because I was exhausted from the lack of sleep the previous night. I woke up at 4am to my brain singing the same line of the song “Uptown Funk” over and over, then me deciding to google the law about taking a signature upon refund. and Then I decided to google the episodes of a TV series so I could see where I was up to in an episode guide. By this time it was 5am, I decided it was time to go back to sleep, but Uptown Funk just wouldn’t quit. I was passed 6am when I finally went to sleep. And then I was up at 7am for work.

So, once again, I apologise for the time between posts, the rambling of this post and the complete lack of ability for me to respond to anything in my comments section. Im sorry everyone. It really means a lot that people take the time to comment and I probably seem like a horrible idiot for not responding.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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14 thoughts on “Purposely Untitled

  1. So sorry for your loss. I like to think those dreams are ‘their’ way of communicating and it maybe not for the last time. Sometimes when we feel calm during heart breaking situations, it is a form of dissociation. Not all dissociation is bad, we can use it to monitor and process our grief gradually rather than becoming completely overwhelmed. Give yourself time, reading and writing will come back when you’re ready. This is a lot to go through in one year

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Best wishes.
    Death of our loved ones doesn’t seem to be the same in reality as it plays out in the movies. My own experiences have involved similar heartbreaking situations. My grandma who recently passed didn’t seem to know it was her time. But the pain became so much, we had to keep her dosed and therefor in a basically unresponsive state. It is not necessarily like the movies, where there is always an opportunity for last words and meaningful exchanges. I think the best we can do is send our love and and positive energy and speak to them kindly and share our love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry for the loss of your loss,it’s difficult to process your feelings, perhaps that’s why your dreams of your nan are so vivid, perhaps it’s your way of saying goodbye.

    I think because were so open in our writing, we need a break sometimes to process our emotions and try to connect with them in some way, and sometimes we just don’t feel like writing, which is ok.

    Glad you got a diagnoses about your heel I’ve been having similar problems, so painful sometimes,, good that the meds are keeping you on an even keel, in that you have a semblance of balance.

    Take carex

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am glad to hear from you. There are times to take a blogging break and then time to blog. Comments can be responded to whenever. I never think about how long it takes someone to respond.

    I am sorry to hear about your Nan. I do not think you should have to feel any particular way when someone dies. It varies a lot from culture to culture so this tells me that “having to be sad and show grief” is just a culturalized thing.

    She would not want you to feel sad. It is a refief to finally know that someone is at peace and no longer suffering. The time while you are watching them suffer is very stressful and it is normal to be relieved that you are no longer in that stage.

    I have done years of hospice work and seen many family and friends of loved ones experience it in their own personal way. There is no rule and no right or wrong way.

    Wishing you peace,
    Annie<3

    Liked by 2 people

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