I’m sorry, its been a few weeks since my last post. But, so much has happened the last few weeks that I’m not sure where to start. So I will write about the last two weeks under 3 headings, Medical, life and work.
So last time I went to the doctors I finally told my doctor about my foot pain, which he tells me is Plantar Fascitis, a swelling of the plantar fascia muscle. He then told me the best way to combat this would be rest and to do some exercises to help stretch my foot. Most of these involved leaning against a wall and pointing my foot.
To aid my healing I also bought a foot support which is incredibly uncomfortable, I am supposed to wear it to bed but that is an impossible task as I don’t seem to be able to lie still. So I wear it in the evening. Unfortunately, none of this seems to have worked so I returned to my doctor and told him that I was still in pain.
The next step here is to either have a cortisone injection, which he tells me is one of the most painful you can have, or to have physiotherapy. I will have to go on to a waiting list for that so I have decided to wait a month, hope my foot gets a bit better If not I will opt for the physio.
I also had my Sertraline increased to 100mg, I don’t want to sound too hopeful, but it has almost entirely got rid of my anxiety issues. No panic attacks, I lie awake at night not because I’m worrying but because my brain won’t stop making noises or singing the same lines of songs. and I don’t worry about things so much. But, It did make me realise that I have had a hard time breathing. and that maybe that wasn’t down to the anxiety.
I don’t want to be the person that goes to the doctor age 26 and tells him I have 75 different problems, I am terrified of looking like a hypochondriac so I try to make my doctor tell me I’m sick by asking if things are side effects of my medication.
I asked if breathing problems were a side effect of Sertraline, he looked at me funny and asked for more information. I explained that I have trouble breathing, especially at night. My nose becomes completely blocked and impossible to breathe through and then I can barely breathe through my mouth. He told me it was more likely an allergy and I explained that I do have hay fever. He told me I was suffering from allergic rhinitis and gave me a nasal spray to help, which I’m not sure if it’s helping or not. Although personally I think I may have asthma. At least a minor case of it.
unfortunately, depression is still doing a good job of destroying my life and I still have days where I feel like I don’t want to do anything or talk to people. Days when I go to work and stand on the opposite side of the shop to everyone and just tidy things.
So my Nan’s funeral went surprisingly well, of course, we were all upset but, my parents didn’t get overly drunk like they did at my grandmas and I am thankful for that. We were home by 4 pm, which I was also grateful for as it meant I could watch the apple conference.
About a week later it was my birthday, I am now 26. certainly older but not really wiser. I don’t enjoy birthdays, but I let two of my friends take me out. They got me quite drunk which is no longer a difficult task, I assume due to the medication I am on. I had a good time, but it just felt like a night out. I wasn’t looking forward to my birthday this year, or any year really, but especially this year, no card from my Nan and the card from my Grandad said “To Elephant, happy birthday love Grandad and Grandma (in heaven)” Which broke me a bit inside.
And then yesterday, the horrible task of clearing my Nan’s house began. I got a few things, my family decided I should have her engagement and wedding rings. which in all honesty feels very strange. I wore them all day yesterday, but I have taken them off today. I don’t know if she would want me to wear them. She never did, her and my grandad were divorced a long time before I was born.
I just feel very awkward, I’m not a religious person, but I am living in constant fear that my Grandma and Nan are watching everything I do, judging me and thinking how much they dislike the “real” me.
Work has been stressful, I have done a lot of overtime to cover people who really should be doing their jobs, but because they are lazy are not. I have had to beg for a holiday because I can feel myself slowly getting more and more angry, stressed and upset by the place. I don’t book holidays very often, which means when I want to I can’t because other people are on holiday. Since my last holiday (June) everyone else has been on holiday at least once, some twice.I just need a break. So I have booked the first week of November off. I really want to use that as a chance to completely tidy my bedroom which is looking more and more like a hoarders paradise. But who knows if I will still be motivated to do it then, it’s not looking hopeful.
I keep telling myself to do it section by section, but I lose interest, and everything ends up even more untidy.
Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well, I need to catch up on my reading.
The Elephant in the Room