Last week I was telling a friend of mine that since helping to clear my nans house I was feeling down. To cut a long story short I told her that sometimes I get to a point where I am beyond down, I’m frustrated or just exhausted and I think “maybe I should just kill myself.” in response to this she asked me “What is so bad in your life?”
I was taken a back by this really, I thought she understood me. She suffers with depression to, I thought we helped each other. I don’t believe in saying someone experience is worse than someone elses when it comes to depression, but I do often worry she feels she has a valid reason for her depression and I don’t. That actually really sucks.
So, I repeated this over and over in my head for the rest of the day. “What is so bad in my life?” and it upset me because things kept coming to mind that made me realise that I do have a lot of things in my life that I can’t always control, and they make me sad.
At 1AM, I was lying in bed tossing and turning as usual. and I thought. “I’m going to write a list, and then im going to show her and then she will understand that my life isn’t as great as she thinks.” I wrote a long list for someone who was drifting in and out of consciousness, I wont bore you with the details, but something that really stood out when I was being honest was that I really do not know what I am doing. And not in that whimsical way TV characters “don’t know what they doing. I mean I really, really have no idea what I am doing with my life.
I have no plan beyond going to work tomorrow. That is literally it.
So I thought about what I wanted, and that’s a really hard question. I’m so indecisive and such a creäture of habit that i just go along with my decisions until I can no longer carry on with them.
Do I want a new job?
Honestly? No, im not sure I could handle a full-time job and I really like the people I work with. And as much as I complain about it, I like my job.
Do I want a new hobby?
I’m not sure I have time for a new hobby. Well, not one that involved going outside of my house. Because I like being at home too much.
So what the hell do I want?
Could I write a book? maybe I could do that?
I’m sure you have seen how these new books by young comedians have become successful, books full of short essays about their lives, maybe I could write that, except about mental illness?
I mean, my experiences aren’t particularly funny, well, not at the time but it doesn’t have to be funny, it just has to let people read it and think “Wow. I totally relate to that.” I just want people to not feel so alone but without me having to physically spend time with people. You know what I mean?
But do I have
A) The writing ability (Although, from some books I have read maybe this isn’t so much a big deal.)
B) Enough things to fill a book? (Although this blog does span roughly 90,000 words. which is a lot considering the average for a book is about 65,000)
C) Would anyone really want to read it?
D) Could I really get published? (I doubt it. but maybe just writing a book would be the push I need to make me feel like I achieved something.)
So maybe writing a book is the solution to my problems, or maybe it’s another silly idea I have had. This blog has 128 posts (this one included) apparently I have a lot moe to say then I thought. And apparently there are a lot of amazing people out their that actually want to read what i have to say!
The Elephant in the Room