Flatline

Dear Reader,

Why do I do this to you all? not just to you guys but to my family and friends on this side of my screen?

I hate upsetting everyone but Im just going to come out with it.

I’m not in a good place.

You see the last few days as soon as I have got to work I have forced myself to stop crying. Literally force myself, to not cry. One time I couldn’t stop it. I was asked what was wrong and I said “I just really love McDonalds” as I cried into my Big Mac. Because I don’t know whats wrong!

I don’t know why it’s happening. Nothing at work has upset me, nobody has upset me. nothing is upsetting me. And maybe that’s the problem there is NOTHING in my life making me feel like this, but there is also NOTHING in my life making me feel any different. Maybe I need a medication increase. I will ask my doctor, not that he really knows anything.

One of my friends was telling me that she was tired of making plans with one of her mentally ill friend, because she kept canceling and opting to go to the pub with someone else instead. I get it. That really is frustrating for her, I understand, but it made me sad. Sometimes my friends message me on facebook or text me and I can’t respond, I literally can’t do it. I don’t know why. I just can’t motivate myself. I’m not sure what I am scared of. But I don’t reply sometimes ever and that kind of makes me exactly like the person shes talking about. I hope people don’t think of me like that.

What am I supposed to do? I can’t fix me, pills can’t fix me. therapy doesn’t seem to be helping because IAPT are basically ignoring me.

So I started planning/writing my book. I decided as well as having some brand new content, it would contain what I feel are my most powerful/important posts from this blog. These posts will be edited for clarity and improvement. Is this a good idea? do people still want to read this?

I think this is really important. I’m scared that it’s not ok to do that. To use content, I have already used with added content? I mean, I don’t have to copy anyone’s style of book. And this is my story, I have only written parts of it really. But also I feel like I have written some really important things on this blog and I feel they need to be in the book. As long as people would still like to read it because of those things?

Just a short post today.

As Always.

The Elephant in the Room

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8 thoughts on “Flatline

  1. We’d still like to read it. You’re good to use some already-posted content (I haven’t read everything on your blog; some readers might have, others won’t have; a book will probably reach new readers anyway). The important thing is that you get all of the interesting/relevant/useful stuff you can into the book 🙂

    Amanda

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  2. Sending you love & positive energy. There is no need to feel sorry for your readers or friends or family — we are here because we care and love to read your updates, be them positive or negative.

    I think you are a great writer, too.

    It sounds like something needs to be adjusted — Personally, when my thyroid was too low as of late, I found myself getting more and more hopeless and also crying at random times. Very alarming, for sure.

    Best wishes!!

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  3. All of your feelings are valid. Please don’t discredit yourself- don’t invalidate whatever you’re experiencing when you’re experiencing it. That just makes the despondency deeper. Maybe a new medication would help, maybe a different dosage of a current one, but in the meantime, please remember that EVERYTHING you feel has its place, and is right- in that moment.

    I know the feeling of not being able to respond to someone’s message/text/call/invite. Rather like trying to tread water while being surrounded by a wrapping of wool, for me. Thoughts and responses get so muffled, I can’t make them leave my head, so I let them sit there, unspoken, unsent.

    But the people who truly care about me, find ways of reaching through that wooly fog. (HUGS)

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  4. There isn’t crying for “no reason.” It’s just not a reason that has verbalized itself to you. I have found that I can say “I’m just exhausted” or “I’m emotionally drained from a stressful few weeks” and that justifies the tears to an observer. NOT THAT YOU OWE THEM ANY JUSTIFICATION. Sometimes it’s just the body’s way of flushing out stress. There’s some great info here: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/7-good-reasons-cry-your-eyes-out

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  5. I think writing your book is a fabulous idea. I think it may actually give you a sense of clarity you have been unable to obtain with meds or therapy.
    You feel how you feel. I pray that you will feel bettersoon and receive whatever you need that will set you on a better path. Please don’t give up on finding your solution. Unfortunately it takes some far longer than others until they reach a place that is stable and calm. Peace to you.

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  6. Writing is so cathartic, and of course it’s ok to pull from your blog! How do you think memoirs are written? Through journals, etc. Also, as far as the crying for no reason. Could you be going through serotonin withdrawal syndrome? It is part of the reason I was hospitalized recently Thinking of you, praying for you. xoxo

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  7. My ax.. I mean my ex.. (sorry about that) went through something similar. Hormonal. She got on the meds everything started to turn around for the better. Might be but you got to be willing to give it a look.
    Michael

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