Why do I do this to you all? not just to you guys but to my family and friends on this side of my screen?
I hate upsetting everyone but Im just going to come out with it.
I’m not in a good place.
You see the last few days as soon as I have got to work I have forced myself to stop crying. Literally force myself, to not cry. One time I couldn’t stop it. I was asked what was wrong and I said “I just really love McDonalds” as I cried into my Big Mac. Because I don’t know whats wrong!
I don’t know why it’s happening. Nothing at work has upset me, nobody has upset me. nothing is upsetting me. And maybe that’s the problem there is NOTHING in my life making me feel like this, but there is also NOTHING in my life making me feel any different. Maybe I need a medication increase. I will ask my doctor, not that he really knows anything.
One of my friends was telling me that she was tired of making plans with one of her mentally ill friend, because she kept canceling and opting to go to the pub with someone else instead. I get it. That really is frustrating for her, I understand, but it made me sad. Sometimes my friends message me on facebook or text me and I can’t respond, I literally can’t do it. I don’t know why. I just can’t motivate myself. I’m not sure what I am scared of. But I don’t reply sometimes ever and that kind of makes me exactly like the person shes talking about. I hope people don’t think of me like that.
What am I supposed to do? I can’t fix me, pills can’t fix me. therapy doesn’t seem to be helping because IAPT are basically ignoring me.
So I started planning/writing my book. I decided as well as having some brand new content, it would contain what I feel are my most powerful/important posts from this blog. These posts will be edited for clarity and improvement. Is this a good idea? do people still want to read this?
I think this is really important. I’m scared that it’s not ok to do that. To use content, I have already used with added content? I mean, I don’t have to copy anyone’s style of book. And this is my story, I have only written parts of it really. But also I feel like I have written some really important things on this blog and I feel they need to be in the book. As long as people would still like to read it because of those things?
Just a short post today.
The Elephant in the Room