So here I am at 1AM on Tuesday the 3rd of November, eating £50 worth of pizza and sides that I ordered 15 hours ago (just for me.). I’m not sleeping, not out of choice. I just don’t feel like it. I am off of work this week, my first holiday in months. it’s a big deal, but id be lying if I said I had plans or motivation for anything. Please don’t be put off by the length of this post. I just needed to talk.
I feel I have lost touch with the mental health community on here recently, the “depression” tag was where I met so many fantastic people, read so many inspiring stories and found what I truly wanted this blog to be. But there are so many things I’ve glazed over since I started writing, so many things I haven’t mentioned and maybe never will. Things I don’t really understand, and don’t really know how to explain.
Yesterday I got really angry at myself, REALLY angry. I was shouting at myself (out loud) and I was throwing things at my floor. I am a hoarder, not like one of those you see on the television, but I buy things, a lot of things to try to make myself feel better, I buy books, DVDs, pizza, clothes, models. anything, in a poor attempt to make myself happy. And it works, briefly then it just goes on a pile and never gets used. I am angry at myself for owning so much stuff. I have to start making some attempt to throw stuff out but I have no energy.
I decided to make some attempt today. Last night I decided that fuck DVD’s I don’t watch them, I don’t need them. They are taking up space. I have Netflix and a Blu-ray player, but DVD’s aren’t worth anything, and id rather keep them then get 20p for each one by selling them. So, im throwing the cases away and keeping the discs. Its brave. Well. It’s brave for me, there are some I can’t bring myself to dispose of and I guess that’s ok. but it started, it didn’t last long because I lost interest and wanted to sit in silence instead. unfortunately the dust has caused a severe allergic reaction in me and my eyes have swelled up and my nose is running faster than Usain Bolt.
This is such a random post, I’m sorry I just have no attention span. I tried to watch a movie earlier and get through 20 minutes before I got bored. I just can’t concentrate.
I went out for Halloween. I dressed as a bat and attended my friends party, in all the photos I look fatter then I have ever seen myself, which pissed me off and made me buy pizza, which of course will not solve the problem, but nothing I do will solve the problem because my body runs on the blood of Big Mac’s.
I annoyed my friend on Saturday, she gets angry because every time we go out I get drunk and then space out, when I drink I am not very good at forcing myself to pretend I am ok, I just kind of sit in silence because I have nothing to say and then at 3AM I demand that we walk to the 24 hour McDonald’s so I can down a double cheeseburger. I know she was angry because she kept saying “We HAVE to go to Mc Donald’s because ELEPHANT wants a Big Mac” awkwardly, out of the 7 of us, three of us got food so fuck you for making me feel shit.
Sometimes, even people who have experienced mental health problems just don’t get it, sometimes people who experienced the same situation as you just don’t get it and that utterly confuses me. If someones grandparent died I would not expect them to go back to work the same day like I did. id expect them to react in whatever damn way they wanted. So why when I am depressed do people who have been depressed say things like “ugh, canceling on plans again? I don’t know why I bother?” that pisses me off. I’m swearing a lot so I apologise.
I wrote a list of things I wanted to do today, I’ve done about 4 of 15. Which is stupid because some are really easy. I spent the last few hours doing what I started this post talking about. Going through the depression tag and meeting new people, commenting and hoping that my words might help them. hoping my experiences might make them feel better and less alone. But my experiences made me feel crap and I felt like a fraud and a hypocrite telling people to keep going and to keep looking forward when all I want to do is hide in bed forever and pretend everything is ok. I think my own comments have triggered myself, how awkward.
I want to write a list of things that people have done that have upset me, of things that people keep doing that upset me and then to show them in some passive aggressive way. But I think those people are too inside themselves to understand the significance of me telling them that saying “maybe it’s for the best” and “why do I bother?” don’t help me (or really anyone.)
Things aren’t ok here, I keep telling people they are when they ask but they aren’t and honestly I don’t know why. To quote one of my favourite books “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” What an awfully relatable quote.
It’s so hard for me to believe that not everyone feels that way, it’s so hard for me to not think that everyone is depressed because everyone I talk to has such sad shit happening in their lives all the time and I can’t help them. Just like they can’t help me. That realisation has made me feel as though I have no purpose, jeez what a morbid thought to have at this time of night.
I’m not crying, because I don’t do that anymore, what I do is get these weird, thick, greasy tears form at the corners of my eyes and just linger until I wipe them away.
This was a long post, it was also weird and not really about anything, but I needed to talk and I don’t feel I can talk to anyone in my life. I know they would be angry if they knew, but I don’t want to add to there problems. I know they all have shit in their lives and if they read this they would probably stop telling me because they think I’m broken. But that’s worse. So I try to stay quiet and save it all for these posts because I want to hear their problems and try to help. So I’m sorry. I needed to talk, and I was just hoping you would listen and tell me that actually. it’s all going to be ok.
The Elephant in the Room