I have been struggling a lot recently, I have wanted to post but I have either forgot, got side tracked or just not really been bothered. Please don’t think that is a reflection on you, I want to write for you. I just don’t really know what to say sometimes.
I’m not sure when this all started, or really what the problem is but I have a suspicion it could be Christmas related, which is sad because Christmas is so important to me. I have been so uncontrollably angry, and I hate it.
I have always had problems with my anger, I used to punch walls all of the time but I hadn’t felt that way in so long and I guess I thought I had grown out of it or something. But the truth is I’m not sure it was something I could grow out of. I am so angry, and its awful, because I am worried I am going to say something I regret to someone, I’m finding myself snapping and I hate being that person.
Work is one of the places that’s making me angry, you see I work in a small team, there are just 10 of us usually, it can be stressful because there are only a small amount of us to do a lot of jobs. But, people are getting stressed over stupid things and I am tired of everyone acting like they are a martyr for working a few extra hours or doing something that’s not usually their responsibility. Sometimes I worry about how some of the people I work with would survive in a larger company, or in a harder job. Because my job is not really that difficult. Its frustrating and you deal with idiots but its not hard. I feel like people need to calm down. Its really not as hard as some people make out.
And then I have my mum who works in a large supermarket who tells me all the time how much harder her job is, how they make more money in 5 minutes what my job makes in a day. The difference is there isn’t as much customer interaction in her job and I don’t think either of our jobs is any more difficult then the other, but I do have to do a much wider range of jobs then she does.
I have found myself at work saying things like “I am going to break everyone in this shops neck.” and “Why does everyone in this shop have to have an issue?” and I have stopped myself saying “if you have problem with your workload, then leave” because that obviously won’t make me any friends.
I’m also annoyed at my parents, they went on holiday for a few days recently with some of my aunts, uncle’s cousins etc. My dad got so drunk over about an hour that my uncle and cousin had to take him back to the room and he missed the last day of the holiday. I’m so tired of their drinking. Its making me angry. Because when they are drunk they are patronising, and stupid and can barely stand. And I’m tired of feeling like I have to look after them. I’m sick of it. They usually work evenings and I work in the day so I don’t have to see them much and that’s great because I really don’t enjoy spending time with them. I hate to say that, but its just me being nagged. or If I tell my brother something my mum saying “What?” because she’s going deaf and doesn’t seem to understand that not all conversations involve her. Or my mum asking me things about my brother instead of asking him, or talking about how great he is for working in the line of work he studied in. She makes my dinner like I can’t make it myself. I feel like a worthless idiot and I just want them to go back to work so I don’t have to spend time with them.
So my Mum decided that for dinner today we were going to have steak, my brother and I don’t eat steak. So she made sure he had something different but for some reason forgot about me. So, I said “its fine, ill go to the shop up the road and get something” the problem is its Sunday so I have to make a 20-minute walk because the closer shops are shut, which was fine because I wanted to be alone. I had just spent 5 hours sitting in silence at my granddad’s house because he and my mum fell asleep in their chairs and I couldn’t leave and then when I said I was going to leave my mum guilt tripped me into staying until she left. Which is annoying because I just want to come home and sit in my pyjamas and feel comfortable. But as its Sunday it means I have to share my time with my parents so the time out was going to be good for me.
Then my brother offered me a lift to the store and Id have looked stupid saying no considering its raining and dark, windy and freezing so I had to say yes. Then my dad said we could have a takeaway today and they would have their steak tomorrow. 10 minutes later my mum changed her mind and said no. So my brother says “Can we decide. Do I need to take Elephant out or not? I have things to do” Well. that was it I walked out of the room because fuck that! How dare he! he offered to take me and then he talks about like I’m his pet dog.
So I went to my room and I hit the wall, because I had to hit something. And I was upset and I was trying not to cry because then I would giveaway that this ridiculous situation upset me. And I had this god-awful knot in my throat because I was so angry and upset and I only ever get that stupid knot when I am really annoyed and I have had it almost every damn day for two weeks! My throat has been knotted so much, at work, at home. I can’t take it anymore. I realise I need to go back and see my doctor, I realise something isn’t right with me. But I am holding off until my medication evaluation day because what do I say? “I’m really pissed off and can’t stop crying.” and what’s he goings to say? “So what do you want?” I hate that question and he always asks. I want to be ok. but let’s face it, I probably never will be. But telling him “what I want is to be ok” doesn’t seem to be an acceptable answer because I am still like this even all of this time since I started seeing him.
The Elephant in the Room