So it’s been a really long time since I wrote anything. And the truth is I have been really busy and just been too tired to write. I work in retail which at this time of year is rewarding, frustrating and exhausting in equal measures. I haven’t really had a proper day off this month, by that I mean a day when I didn’t have to force myself to get out of bed and leave the house to either meet someone or buy presents.
My phone is littered with to-do lists of things I keep putting off but know I need to do, like clean the bathroom, wrap presents, go to work, eat food, shower. But it’s Christmas and Christmas is one of the only things I really look forward to.
It’s Christmas 2015. And I am not feeling the slightest bit Christmassy. I’ve been blaming the weather. I’m still walking around in a hoodie and feeling hot. I wouldn’t be able to wear a coat in this weather. Which is good, because I don’t have one. I hate coats. But the truth is, it’s not just the weather, Christmas just doesn’t feel right. Traditions are changing this year due to the death of my grandparents. Which is hard for me, I find it difficult to deal with change anyway due to my Aspergers. And I guess I’m more anxious than anything. I’m just worried that my parents are going to get really drunk and cry. And if that happens I won’t know what to do, and that upsets me.
I told my friend I was worried about this and she said well they should consider mine and my brothers feelings and be strong for us as we lost our grandparents. I said by that my parents have lost their mums. And she said “but you are their children and it’s not your job to protect them” and that’s it. I feel like I need to protect them because I’m not sure they can look after themselves really. And that scares me.
In the last few days, I have started to get a little bit more excited about Christmas. I can feel that irritating excitement feeling in my chest that I can’t explain. I remember one year when I was at school. On the last day before Christmas break began, my geography teacher made us do a practice exam. I had this excitement feeling then and couldn’t concentrate. So I did barely any work. Oh well… Not like I needed a geography qualification anyway.
Every year I spend a lot of money on presents for my younger brother. I am always most excited to see how he reacts to those presents because I do try to put a lot of effort into them. My parents usually ask what he wants and I assume his girlfriend does too. It’s nice to get surprises. Although I’m not sure I will get any this year as I am awful at spoiling things for myself. This includes hacking my parents and brothers amazon accounts, searching their bedrooms when they are not around and carefully lifting corners of presents only to tape them back down.
Last time I visited my doctor I told him I was struggling with anger issues. He didn’t really seem willing or maybe able to help and just kept telling me to call the mental health services to get more help. I’ve decided to call in January. Start again on the path to fixing myself. I’ve been so down recently that I have been taking caffeine pills at work to increase my productivity and mood. Yesterday I tidied the entire stockroom. I was so motivated and proud of myself, but I soon realised it was the caffeine pills and not me. I don’t want to get a caffeine pill addiction. I don’t want to have to use them to get by, but it feels like it’s the only way.
I’ve been having some real trouble sleeping. I want to blame the caffeine, but I take it early in the day so it can’t be. I get into bed and I just can’t turn my brain off. It goes on and on and on and I get upset and angry because I’ve been lying there for 4 hours and had no sleep. Then if I don’t wake up two hours later and struggle to get back to sleep for an hour I wake up feeling completely unrefreshed. I guess this is what comes with chronic insomnia.
So, to all of my friends and fellow bloggers Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukkah (I realise I’m a bit late) or Happy Kwanzaa. And to all of you struggling with your holiday spirit. I understand and you aren’t alone. I hope it helps to know that. But however you feel I honestly hope that 2016 is a better year for you. Happy new year my beloved readers. You will never understand just how much your support helps.
The Elephant in the Room