This is my first post of the new year; I wish it could be a positive post but sadly it’s not. There is talk of self-harm ahead. So…
Trigger Warning: Self Harm.
I always struggle after Christmas; I can’t pinpoint the exact reason but I think it may be to do with how much I build Christmas up in my head before it happens. I’m like a child at Christmas, I love it. receiving presents, giving presents, the lights. This year wasn’t so good. I think the mild weather made it seem less like Christmas and it took me until much later in the month to really get excited. I wasn’t so bad this year, as I wasn’t as excited as usual my post Christmas crash wasn’t so big. But something happened yesterday and now I am absolutely beyond help.
I did something bad. I can’t say exactly what due to it being a work issue. I messed up a procedure on the till. It was an accident, I just forgot to do something, I genuinely forgot. but now that accident has got someone else in serious trouble, and the worst part is they think that person has done something on purpose because my mistake coupled with a few coincidences makes it looks bad.
But, I shouldn’t know that this person is in trouble and if I say anything they will be in more trouble for telling me about it. This was my mistake, I deserve to be the one in trouble and I would take the blame if I could find a way. But I doubt my work colleague blame me because we are very similar and unfortunately I believe she will protect me, which makes me sad. I don’t understand why I haven’t been called up on the accident and its really making me feel down. The worst part is this person is one of my best friends and I am terrified this will destroy our friendship.
When I first found out about what was happening, I was uncontrollably angry, yelling and swearing and punching the walls. I scared my friend and I guess I made it worse, she was already upset and I flew off the handle and scared her. There are a few of us who know about the incident, the worst part is they aren’t just worried about her, they are worried about me and I don’t want that. They are worried because of my reaction yesterday, because I kept saying it was all my fault (Which it was) You see I can’t forgive myself for this, mistake of not. This mistake has got someone in trouble and that is not fair. Regardless of the further outcomes of this event I will feel forever responsible, I will never be able to apologise enough to the person involved. I hate that I am not facing disciplinary procedures and she is.
I can’t take any responsibility for this without getting the other person in more trouble. I can’t suffer professionally and so I am suffering mentally. But that’s not enough. Not for this. I may have ruined my best friend’s life. I can never forgive myself. I also can’t do anything without making things worse. If she knew I had hurt myself or felt this way she would feel awful so I have to pretend I’m ok. And that’s the worst feeling ever
I’m an awful person. Just a few days ago I had this awful feeling that I am not a good person. Maybe this was foreshadowed to me. For the last day I have sat in almost silence, I just don’t know what to do. When I was hitting things yesterday I badly bruised my wrist. and then today I took a knife and wildly slashed at my arm.
This is not usually my style, I usually make careful precise cuts on my upper shoulder, deep cuts that scar horrendously, but this time I just went crazy. I needed some control back. my arm looks awful, luckily I have to wear a wrist support due to my bruised wrist currently. the cuts aren’t deep. I don’t imagine they will scar badly if at all. I don’t know what to do. I hate myself, I can’t stop blaming myself. This is all my fault.
The Elephant in the Room