Lifeline

Dear Reader,

You may have read previously about my problems at work, I didn’t go into specifics, but I made a mistake and someone got in trouble for it. I wasn’t supposed to know and couldn’t say anything out of fear of getting that person in further trouble for discussing it with me. Well. It all got a whole lot worse.

So I’m not sure what point I got to in the last post, but the person that got in trouble is one of my best friends. She is someone I can talk to about anything, she also happens to be one of my managers. She also suffers from mental health problems and is now off of work because of the stress caused by this incident.

Of course, this made me feel awful. I still feel as though I am to blame for the whole thing and I genuinely don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been texting her a lot to see if she’s ok, but she hasn’t been responding much and I hope that’s because she’s sad and not because she hates me.

So, I thought this awful situation was over, I thought that she would get her disciplinary and that would be it. but then last Friday, the guy who’s in charge of the investigation called the store to find out what everyone’s login numbers were. This made me angry, I thought we were getting over this and then it got worse. Seeing how upset, I was another colleague who knows about the situation confronted the manager. He took her downstairs and explained the situation. And it’s now confirmed that he started all of this! I’m struggling to face him at work now. I’m so disappointed and upset with him. He could have solved this himself but instead, he called head office in.

So I was already stressed and frustrated to hear that head office would be returning to talk to me and another colleague. Something I did not know about and that has really stressed me out. To top that off though the friend who’s in troubles mum showed up at the store, I know her only from times she’s visited my friend at work. But I spoke to her. And discovered that my friend is in a really bad place which made me feel awful. And then as she left, she said something that hurt me so much, I already thought I had hurt myself more about this situation than anyone else could but, no. Maybe I took it the wrong way, maybe it wasn’t a dig. But she said “The doctors have given her the crisis number” well that was like shooting a bullet straight through my chest I felt awful. I went to the stock room and smashed stuff around and broke things and then I punched the wall a few times before I finally burst into tears and hid for 10 minutes.

Luckily I got to go home pretty soon after that as my shift had ended. But I couldn’t stop thinking about hurting myself and I think the only reason I haven’t is because I just don’t have the energy or know where to cut myself anymore.

So it’s Monday, I have had three days off work, they were time tabled. But tomorrow I have an 8-hour shift and I am dreading it. I had my first shower today since last Wednesday’s, which was good I guess because now I don’t smell.

Last week I went to the doctors, I was a bit later than usual going and I imagined I would get shouted at because they always think I have ran out of pills, but I have a backlog, so I am ok. Anyway, I had to see the other doctor the one that was so nice to me the first time I saw him and then so horrible the second. This time he was nice again I broke down, I told him everything and he told me it wasn’t worth worrying this much about but obviously, he doesn’t understand. He increased my Sertraline to 150mg, and told me to come back in 6 weeks. He also made me book an appointment with the nurse for my smear test. Which I am not looking forward to.

So, I was starting to feel a little better until I got a message from a work colleague saying “Don’t get mad” I knew instantly what it was about. She told me that head office are coming on Friday. It upsets me that they are waiting so long to come back, it’s affecting me so negatively. I’m flying from terrified to stressed to angry to upset constantly and I can’t stand it much longer.

For a company that spent so much money last year providing a 24 hours counseling phone line for its staff and sent a HR representative in to talk to me about my mental health, they really don’t seem to be thinking about my mental health right now. And I hope that after they have spoken to me I am in the right frame of mind to make a complaint to HR about this, although if I am too unstable after this meeting I will be requesting to go home due to being unwell.

My biggest fear is that I will walk in the meeting and be angry and they will see my frustration as aggressive and find me guilty of whatever I am supposed to have done. I know I have done nothing wrong, and everyone always tells me “justice prevails” but what if it doesn’t? What if they fire me? this is my 9th year working for this company. And I don’t know what else I want to do. I don’t want to work in another shop, or an office, or in movies to use my degree that I studied for, for 3 years. I just want this job, I just want everything to go back to normal.

I’m so terrified about this whole week I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s all so ridiculous. I made a tiny mistake and it’s been blown way out of proportion.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

 

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3 thoughts on “Lifeline

  1. My heart breaks for you. I recently experienced the possibility of losing my job due to mental health reasons. Its a terrifying place to be and my heart goes out to you. Your friend doesn’t hate you, I’m sure of that. She’s just not well right now and is probably hiding away and sleeping. Try to remember, you aren’t responsible for everyone, their lives, choices, health. You seem to carry such a burden of guilt and responsibility that belongs to other people. So you made a mistake at work. You’re human, we all make mistakes. You are beautifully sensitive with integrity and a moral compass. You don’t deserve to punish yourself. You deserve to be more gentle with yourself. You’ve been on my mind, so thank you for your post with all the new developments ❤

    Like

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