Trigger Warning: Talk of Suicidal thoughts
Graphic Content Warning: Discussion of a sexual nature
So it looks like I gave myself a hiatus, and maybe that was a good thing because my brain is all over the place. I feel like I have been shot in the back of the head and I am scraping up pieces of my own brain and trying to cram them back in my skull. I know that’s graphic, slightly weird and maybe a bit confusing but I don’t know how else to explain it.
I just want to start this post off by saying that all that stuff at work is over, I never got called in, nothing happened to me. There was so much stress and fear about nothing really. But the guilt remains, I feel terrible that my dumb mistake gave my friend a breakdown, I feel terrible that my dumb mistake scared me and another co-worker into thinking we were going to get called in to be spoken to by the higher ups. I feel guilty that, that second co-worker started getting anxiety problems because of my dumb mistake. I won’t forgive myself for this.
So, my heads been all over the place and in all honesty, I have no idea how I feel about not getting called in. I so desperately wanted to get punished. I wanted to be told off, I wanted to be made to feel bad, I know I have done that to myself but I feel I just haven’t been hard enough on myself. I can’t make myself feel as bad as I want to feel for this. So I guess I’ve been struggling with those feelings. I haven’t communicated them to anyone really because everyone either yells, tells me I’m being a dick or that I’m being ridiculous.
I’m on holiday from work for the next two weeks and I honestly needed it. I considered canceling it to be at work for my friend but I was basically made to not work for two weeks and I guess really that’s a good thing for me. Even if I have sat in my pyjamas in the same chair for 4 days, not washing or brushing my hair. But hey! I 100% completed a game in 3 days.
I’m really down, I keep moving from telling myself what a horrible person I am to thinking “You know what, who would really care if I wasn’t here?” I think everyone would move on fairly quick, in fact, some people may even be happy they no longer have to worry. I’ve been told I’m selfish for feeling this way but what can I do? It’s not my fault that I have absolutely zero purpose.
So, I’m going to say something that is probably a bit too much information for some people, most of you know I am not afraid to be brutally honest about my condition and how it affects me. Well, something absolutely threw me over the age yesterday. And earlier I was thinking back and thinking “Jeez Elephant, that’s a stupid thing to go crazy over” But thinking back now I feel like “You know what NO, that’s another thing I can’t do and now my dumb life has even less purpose!”
So what is it you ask?
I’ve been taking 150MG of Sertraline for two weeks now and I can no longer reach orgasm.
Yep, I wanted to kill myself last night because I couldn’t climax.
For those of you already grossed out, I would recommend skipping the next two paragraphs
I’m going, to be honest, when I was taking Citalopram I started having problems with this, it carried on into me starting to take the Sertraline, but it wasn’t this bad, it would happen eventually, all be it longer than usual. But not its not happening and I’m getting really upset and frustrated with it, which of course probably doesn’t help.
I’ve tried it alone, I’ve tried it with a very patient partner. but It’s not happening. I think the more I’m trying the more I’m hurting myself to like I tried for so long yesterday my hand cramped into some type of claw for most of the evening. I have poor attention span so I just tend to get bored, which then makes me angry, which then makes me upset and then I just cry and think my life is over some more. and I know its a side effect of this medication, but if I take less then I cry uncontrollably when I should be working and that is even less help.
IT’S OK YOU CAN READ AGAIN NOW!
So, I decided that now I am on holiday I will turn myself into an art project. I know that sounds weird but I just wanted to try and give myself something to do. I mean, I got my PS4 for Christmas and I have 100% completed 4 games. and part way through two others.
So this art project, I’m taking selfies of myself when I am especially down so I can look at myself and think “is that what it’s like to live with me and see that grumpy face?” I’m hoping it will inspire me to change, I’m sure it will just inspire me to never look in a mirror again.
Anyway, Sorry for the absence, you all deserved to know how the work saga ended, but I just feel so pointless although I guess really you guys give me purpose, you guys are the only reason I’m still here, writing and trying to at least make someone out there feel a bit less alone. And I apologise to anyone I have offended with my story, I’ll put some warnings at the top just in case.
The Elephant in the Room