Has It Been That Long?

Dear Reader,

Trigger Warning: Talk of Suicidal thoughts

Graphic Content Warning: Discussion of a sexual nature

So it looks like I gave myself a hiatus, and maybe that was a good thing because my brain is all over the place. I feel like I have been shot in the back of the head and I am scraping up pieces of my own brain and trying to cram them back in my skull. I know that’s graphic, slightly weird and maybe a bit confusing but I don’t know how else to explain it.

I just want to start this post off by saying that all that stuff at work is over, I never got called in, nothing happened to me. There was so much stress and fear about nothing really. But the guilt remains, I feel terrible that my dumb mistake gave my friend a breakdown, I feel terrible that my dumb mistake scared me and another co-worker into thinking we were going to get called in to be spoken to by the higher ups. I feel guilty that, that second co-worker started getting anxiety problems because of my dumb mistake. I won’t forgive myself for this.

So, my heads been all over the place and in all honesty, I have no idea how I feel about not getting called in. I so desperately wanted to get punished. I wanted to be told off, I wanted to be made to feel bad, I know I have done that to myself but I feel I just haven’t been hard enough on myself. I can’t make myself feel as bad as I want to feel for this. So I guess I’ve been struggling with those feelings. I haven’t communicated them to anyone really because everyone either yells, tells me I’m being a dick or that I’m being ridiculous.

I’m on holiday from work for the next two weeks and I honestly needed it. I considered canceling it to be at work for my friend but I was basically made to not work for two weeks and I guess really that’s a good thing for me. Even if I have sat in my pyjamas in the same chair for 4 days, not washing or brushing my hair. But hey! I 100% completed a game in 3 days.

I’m really down, I keep moving from telling myself what a horrible person I am to thinking “You know what, who would really care if I wasn’t here?” I think everyone would move on fairly quick, in fact, some people may even be happy they no longer have to worry. I’ve been told I’m selfish for feeling this way but what can I do? It’s not my fault that I have absolutely zero purpose.

So, I’m going to say something that is probably a bit too much information for some people, most of you know I am not afraid to be brutally honest about my condition and how it affects me. Well, something absolutely threw me over the age yesterday. And earlier I was thinking back and thinking “Jeez Elephant, that’s a stupid thing to go crazy over” But thinking back now I feel like “You know what NO, that’s another thing I can’t do and now my dumb life has even less purpose!”

So what is it you ask?

I’ve been taking 150MG of Sertraline for two weeks now and I can no longer reach orgasm.

Yep, I wanted to kill myself last night because I couldn’t climax.

For those of you already grossed out, I would recommend skipping the next two paragraphs

I’m going, to be honest, when I was taking Citalopram I started having problems with this, it carried on into me starting to take the Sertraline, but it wasn’t this bad, it would happen eventually, all be it longer than usual. But not its not happening and I’m getting really upset and frustrated with it, which of course probably doesn’t help.

I’ve tried it alone, I’ve tried it with a very patient partner. but It’s not happening. I think the more I’m trying the more I’m hurting myself to like I tried for so long yesterday my hand cramped into some type of claw for most of the evening. I have poor attention span so I just tend to get bored, which then makes me angry, which then makes me upset and then I just cry and think my life is over some more. and I know its a side effect of this medication, but if I take less then I cry uncontrollably when I should be working and that is even less help.

IT’S OK YOU CAN READ AGAIN NOW!

So, I decided that now I am on holiday I will turn myself into an art project. I know that sounds weird but I just wanted to try and give myself something to do. I mean, I got my PS4 for Christmas and I have 100% completed 4 games. and part way through two others.

So this art project, I’m taking selfies of myself when I am especially down so I can look at myself and think “is that what it’s like to live with me and see that grumpy face?” I’m hoping it will inspire me to change, I’m sure it will just inspire me to never look in a mirror again.

Anyway, Sorry for the absence, you all deserved to know how the work saga ended, but I just feel so pointless although I guess really you guys give me purpose, you guys are the only reason I’m still here, writing and trying to at least make someone out there feel a bit less alone. And I apologise to anyone I have offended with my story, I’ll put some warnings at the top just in case.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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11 thoughts on “Has It Been That Long?

  1. I can relate. A number of years ago, I had some anxiety issues. I did a bunch of research on a bunch of anti-anxiety meds and then talked to my doctor about giving Prozac a try. It did nothing to help curb my anxiety, but it did pretty much murder my ability to climax. I got off like one time in a month with a partner (which took some time) and my arm would get too tired to get myself off. Naturally, this added a new anxiety. Couple that with some unpleasant side-effects from getting off of it, and I will never go back to Prozac. But having been in that place, I can definitely say that yeah, it sucks.

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  2. Thank you for being so honest! I’ve been on 20 mg of escitalopram for forever now and I can’t orgasm for 99.99% of the time, and sometimes I do get really angry about it.

    As for the mistake you made at work, I hope some day you can allow yourself to forgive yourself. It was a mistake. I don’t know the details, but even if it had been on purpose, you had no control over how other people would respond. But it’s okay to forgive yourself. It’s also okay to feel guilt, but it’s okay not to, also. I think you’re awesome, to be honest. I love reading your posts.

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  3. I understand the frustration, I was put on 3 different anti-anxiety meds before finding Buspar (Buspirone, generically) which works for me. I had the same effect of delayed or non-existent orgasm with the sertraline, along with some other very unpleasant side effects. Once I switched from the SSRIs to the buspar, it all straightened out. I hope you find a good balance for you as well.

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  4. You are a warrior! I’m sorry that I don’t have a solution to your struggles, but I wanted you to know that your posts are always so genuine & truthful. This alone makes you an incredible human being! Enjoy your time off, recharge, and don’t forget that we all screw up. 😉 You’ve punished yourself quite thoroughly, now it’s time to find a way to move forward. Sending you huge virtual hugs. G-uno

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  5. I wish you good karma and the inspiration you need to get life going again. For me what helped was a change in locale and changing my routine regularly along with meds of course and years to heal. Nice to read something from your blog again, I missed your writing!

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  6. Please know that your posts are very important and everyone here would miss you if you weren’t here, so you ARE important. And hey, even finishing a game to 100% is an achievement…okay it may not be big, but I’ve been proud of myself for doing that. You should always try to find something to be proud of yourself for, even the smallest of things.
    Have a nice holiday. I hope things feel better for you.

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  7. You are allowed to feel however you want to feel. Its your right. No one can invalidate that. As for not being able to have an orgasm, well, we are sexual beings. Sex releases all sorts of feel good chemicals so I understand your frustration. I think a chat with your doc is called for. If its affecting your mental health, it needs to be addressed. I’m glad everything has worked out well at work. It’s natural to think things are bigger and more serious than they actually are. I do it all the time, and then think ‘well, that wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated’. Its all part of the human condition. PS. – when I’m on leave, I also spend entire days in my pyjamas 😉

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