This post is probably going to be quite long, it’s also probably going to be a little bit boring for long time readers as I need to recap. But it has been a long time and quite a lot has happened in the last three weeks.
Trigger Warning: Self Harm mention
Ok, so firstly I need to rewind to my last post, I mentioned briefly about a possible manic episode but didn’t elaborate, I will elaborate in this post.
So, even further back, about a two months ago I guess, I went to my doctor and told him about my sexual dysfunction problems. My doctor remarked at this point how good it was to see such a “big” change in my mood. And that the fact that I once again wanted sex was great news (sex with someone else, not him.) So he prescribed me my medications and I was on my way, and I felt great, I really did! I tried out my new medication it was working. All was going well! And then all of a sudden I could not stop thinking about how I needed to clean my bedroom, not because it was dirty but I just felt things needed to be more organised.
So he prescribed me my medications and I was on my way, and I felt great, I really did! I tried out my new medication it was working. All was going well! And then all of a sudden I could not stop thinking about how I needed to clean my bedroom, not because it was dirty but I just felt things needed to be more organised, or something I’m not sure now why I felt that way.
I had a weeks holiday from work coming up, I had nothing planned and I told myself that I would wait until then to tidy my room, I knew it would be a big job. I own a lot of crap and I am a hoarder. But things didn’t go according to plan, I got home from work at 7pm one Saturday and began tidying. Suddenly 4 hours passed and I hadn’t eaten dinner, So I stopped, ate and went to bed shortly after this and when I woke up the next day I couldn’t wait to get back started on throwing things away. But I had to work so it had to wait until 6pm when I got home and again, I didn’t eat. For the next
For the next week, I would come home from work and frantically tidy my bedroom for hours before I forced myself to bed.
Then one night, after I had forced myself to go to bed. My brain started up its barrage of annoying questions. “What if I put my bed there?”, “What if I put my desk here?” “What if I take all of my DVDs out of their cases, throw the cases and keep the discs? YES! let’s do that! right now.” And I did, at 2AM, I was back to tidying. But a part of my brain was saying “stop it, you’re going to wake everyone up” So, Eventually I did stop, but I didn’t sleep, just kept thinking about what to do next.
The next day I felt fine considering I hadn’t slept, I then tidied more of my room, all in all, I threw out 19 bags of stuff from my room. But, it didn’t stop there! Nope, I then moved on to my brothers bedroom and forced him to clean his, well I cleaned it whilst he told me what he wanted to keep and throw away, another 10 bags from his room and it was 29 bags in total that we took to the tip to throw away. Plus clothes and books I donated to the charity shop (3 bags)
Anyway, this high eventually passed and I got gradually more and more sad, to the point where I was severely depressed, so depressed I had zero energy. I went to work and so many times I had to force myself not to cry, I wasn’t even crying for a reason. I just felt pointless and stupid and like all I was good for was sleeping forever.
I decided to email the charity Mind, I was going to contact the NHS IAPT service but my friend has been waiting so long to hear something back I felt disheartened just knowing that, and of course, they never called me when they were supposed to. So I found my local branch of Mind, submitted the online form and waited, I didn’t expect a fast response and was shocked when I got one the next day asking me to give them my full name and postcode, things I had skipped on when I submitted out of fear it would go nowhere.
I sent on my details and was told I would have to wait 4 weeks for a response, I didn’t feel particularly positive about that, I realise a lot of people need help but 4 weeks is just too long. I got worse, I got so depressed that my manager tried to send me home from work because I just wasn’t ok, I was crying and making stupid mistakes. But I stayed because I didn’t want to be on my own, but of course, the shift had to end, and then I went home and I cut myself, twice.
Not long after this, I received an email from mind inviting me to an appointment, after a phone call with a really nice lady I was given an appointment the following week.
I wasn’t really looking forward to this appointment, all of my past meetings with mental health support people have been negative.
This, however, was the most positive experience I have had since I began writing this blog, I finally feel like this person listened to me and gave me useful advice. I told her about my appointment last year with a psychiatric nurse who I was referred to due to a possible manic episode. This woman did not listen to me, told me my only problem was anxiety and ended our appointment 30 minutes early. This Lady was shocked and told me that it was awful.
I finally have hope Mind have invited me to take part in a 10-week anxiety program and will be contacting me about grief counseling, Its a big step. The lady I spoke too told me to go back to my doctor and talk to him.
When I went for the last psychiatric appointment I was taking citalopram it made me anxious all the time and I didn’t realise until I started taking Sertraline, but now I rarely have any anxiety. The problem is, the medication may have fixed the anxiety, but what about my depression, and how would I explain that “event” as I will call it?
Anyway, I will end this here, I have made an appointment for next Wednesday with my doctor to discuss this episode because I feel it’s important, but also because before this lady at mind told me “I deserved the help” I was too scared to ask him for help for the same problem again.
I’ve often been negative about how charities have helped me in the past, but this experience has been so positive, its made me feel a little bit less like it’s all for nothing and a bit less stupid for trying to fix myself.
The Elephant in the Room