Jealousy and Fear

Dear Reader,

I’m in a weird place again, I’m not happy, I’m not enjoying my life. I’m just moving forwards because it’s the only direction to go. Next week my counselling sessions with Mind will end and I am absolutely terrified.

Trigger Warning (Brief Suicide mention)

To be honest, I’m not sure where to begin, Mind has been so good to me, they have really tried to help me get better. I’ve been having therapy for 7 weeks and I think it’s helping me. You see with Mind they give you 6 initial sessions of therapy and that can be expanded to a maximum of 8. I had mine extended, and even with 8 sessions, I feel there is so much left to cover.

Last week in session 7 I broke down and had a panic attack because I’m scared of what happens next. I feel like I’ve exhausted my options with my GP and now I’ve exhausted my options with Mind and I’m terrified because nothing really seems to have changed apart from my ability to vocalise my feelings better. I don’t feel safe with myself, don’t I don’t really know what that means.

I don’t feel like I can go and see my GP, I feel I’m wasting their time, especially when my medication is on a repeat prescription. I feel useless and I don’t know what to do.

My friends have become far more open with me about their mental health since I started making my own mental health problems known, and that’s good. but has also mentally drained me because I feel awful that I can’t help anyone, I mean, how can I help them if I can’t help me? I recently convinced a friend of mine to see the doctor about her panic attacks she did and was prescribed fluoxetine and diazepam, the worst part is I find myself jealous that they gave her diazepam, my Dr won’t go near diazepam, and all I want to do is take something that’s just going to take me out of my own head and I guess it makes me feel kind of worthless.

Am I as ill as I think? or am I just an over exaggerating idiot? All of this just makes me want to lie in bed in my pyjamas in the dark and retreat to some stupid fantasy world in my head. Sometimes I think about suicide and the only justification is that I think it would be easier than being alive. What a stupid thing to think right? I mean I feel like everyone would move on quickly, I realise that it’s not likely but I don’t believe myself when I tell myself people will care.

I haven’t been taking my medication properly for a few weeks now, I have lost the motivation to do it if I told anyone that I’m sure they would blame the way I feel on that. I just feel like a waste of space. I’m not enjoying my life, I’m living it forcefully. going from day-to-day clutching at the small things that make me happy for a few minutes.

My therapist thinks I have ADHD, she says it can live co-morbidly with bipolar, I don’t want to tell my Dr about the ADHD in case he decides it can’t and I don’t have bipolar and then I have to go through years of trying to get that diagnosis again. I know myself well enough to know that I have problems concentrating all the time, I zone out, I forget things easily. But I also know that I have times where I have so much energy I don’t sleep for a week or two, or get so sad that I don’t want to be alive and those two things are so much different to everyday me.

but maybe I’m not sick, maybe I’m just an idiot. maybe my problem is all thyroid based and I’m not mentally ill. maybe I’m a big faker who doesn’t deserve the support of the community and friends I have made on here. Maybe my life isn’t real and I live in some Truman show world and everyone is just paid to be my friend.

Maybe. I’m nothing.

I don’t know.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

The Elephant in the Room

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7 thoughts on “Jealousy and Fear

  1. You’re not making this up, and you’re not nothing. Feelings and emotional swings like that aren’t just caused by thyroid. Chemical imbalances, environmental stressors, emotional drama, workplace stress… All these things compound into being parts of the problem.

    If your emotional health is not being cared for, then you need to find someone who will help you do that. Please, do not give up. The small joys are worth staying here for.

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  2. Your feelings are very real. Mental illnesses are bastards and they go to the point of making you be convinced that it’s you, and not what’s happening to you. These are awful and words can’t do much, I wish things were better for you

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  3. Doubting doesn’t make you a faker. Even healthy people question some things. I believe that being open about everything you’re suffering of can help. When you put everything side by side and you see how effectively one can affect another and make you feel worse or better can improve your understanding of yourself and of maybe how your mind works sometimes. I’m sharing what works from time to time for me. I hope it can help you and if not, in time you’ll find what can really help, don’t totally lose hope.

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