I Hate Everything

Dear Reader,

(Sorry lots of swearing)


My therapist, which I no longer have because 8 sessions are apparently enough for me to get over the last 26 years of being alive has gone, Well I mean they want to see me back in a month because they are worried about me, but I just don’t feel that it is good enough. I do get it. it’s a charity. but I guess the point is that the NHS should fund this. I need help. and what would they prefer, using resources stitching me up and pumping my stomach or have someone listen to me for a few months? I assume it’s the first one as that seems to be what’s happening.

My therapist thinks these mood swings are the result of me being angry at my parents for canceling our holiday and not telling me until 2 months after they had decided that was a thing. Well, it’s ok for them they were going on holiday again in November and my brother has two holidays this year. I look forward to two damn things in my whole fucking life. that fucking holiday and fucking Christmas and they are both fucked because half my family decided to fucking die last year. Thank’s everyone!So apparently my autism is tingling. yep, this is probably some massive month long meltdown or some shit I wouldn’t know because there’s another thing no one has talked to me about since my initial assessment, or maybe the problem is the lack of holiday and how I have to spend time with my family and how the house is a shithole because they don’t clean and don’t seem to be able to decorate in a sensible time frame. means that my moods seem to change more than Taylor Swift’s boyfriends.

I mean fuck! this is ridiculous. I don’t feel like I can do anything. I seem to have exhausted all of the options with my doctor, who doesn’t seem to do anything besides tell me that “you know whats best for you” now. or Mind who also seem to have given up now I’ve had 8 weeks of therapy. So I’ve looked into a once a month bipolar support group which I’m sure I will go on to feel like also can’t offer me any support and the literally the only option left is death. I can’t fix myself and guess what no one else can because no matter how much someone tells me something is my fault, my brain is still like “yeah. it is though”

So I booked a fruitless appointment with my doctor for a weeks time because apparently he’s more popular then fucking Justin Bieber and nobody can fucking see him for two weeks. which is fantastic. I could be dead by then, and I don’t even mean kill myself. I mean I could just die from a heart attack from this level of anger. or you know so could anyone else.

I admit I feel like I’m wasting his time going back and forth and getting nothing and maybe it’s frustrating for both of us. but it’s his fucking job to be a doctor, I shouldn’t be having to tell him what I want, how the hell do I know what I want? How can I make a decision like that? I can’t even decide what I want for fucking breakfast.

So anyone who would like to take me out to the pastures and shoot me, please form a line at the door with your applications forms in hand. Not that I would be able to make a decision. Maybe you should just form a firing squad and shoot on sight.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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5 thoughts on “I Hate Everything

  1. Sorry to hear all that, being dependent on others is about the most depresding and distressing thing I can imagine. I just can’t do it. And people ask me why I’m so independent… I’d rather live in diminished circumstances my own than rely on others for… anything.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is the trouble–your GP can’t make these decisions for you, either (I assume by “doctor” you do mean a general practitioner, because if you’re talking about a psychologist or psychiatrist, their replies make less sense).

    A GP is trained in general medicine: so they can tell if you’re suffering from some obvious mental health issues, and they can make referrals, but at the minute, there’s just no one to refer you to. The NHS’ mental health provision has been underfunded and badly managed for so long, they don’t even have the resources or expertise to deal with people who are literally stockpiling meds for suicide (heard second-hand, but I trust the source).

    You’re right, it will be a frustrating situation for your GP. They’ll be (presumably) an absolute ace at diagnosing hundreds or even thousands of conditions, recommending appropriate treatment, dispensing medication or other therapies with a proven track record of success…

    …and they will know, beyond any doubt, that the only things they can offer you are substandard, and not even really their job to offer. You need a psych doc, not a medical doc (despite the obvious and varied overlaps between the 2, there comes a time when what’s needed is psychology-based, not medicine-based).

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m about to start my 3rd year of an Applied Psychology degree, I want to get to a place where I can help, and I fully intend to make enough money in a 3-day week that I can work for free the other 2 days… but that’s years off. And I’m only one person. And psychology is ridiculously competitive, as an academic field. Like your GP, I’m trying to do what I can, but I’ve got too little to offer and by the time there’s more, it might be too late for you, for thousands like you, and I’ve no idea what I can do about that. Probably neither does your GP.

    But we’re both *trying* to help (indirectly,in my case) and if you can give us any idea what *would* help, that would make us more effective. Your rage is clear and understandandable; can you channel it into a list of things that could improve things for you, if they happened/stopped happening?

    I wish I had better suggestions.

    –Amanda

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi,

    Even though you are in a dark hole, you have just done something fantastic! You have held your hand up and shared with who ever will listen! I will support you. Come to http://www.live4tomorrowblog.wordpress.com click on ‘my story’ and read! It’s my journey from self destruct to blogging about depression and anxiety! I am a 24 year old who attempted suicide and failed. I want to help and share my journey and join others on there’s! Depression is the devil but societies perception of mental illness is the root of all evil! I am trying to change this!

    You are one step further forward then you were!

    “It does not matter how slowly you are moving, as long as you keep moving forward and don’t stop”

    Like

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