Oh man, I’m so down right now.
I’m not sure how it started, but it’s been coming for a while. Today it seems to have hit its peak.
So I was at work and usually, I just breeze through it with a lot of innuendo and hiding in corners. It’s getting harder to hide, and people seem to be becoming “less tolerant” of my mental health. My hiding is starting to cause problems, people are noticing and getting annoyed. We are busy, Christmas is coming and the place is getting more stressful.
The worst part of this is that I really want to believe I’m being paranoid, but I don’t think I am. See, I think my manager may be trying to intimidate me. About a year ago, I heard him say trusted none of us, and that’s fair enough that’s his choice. But I trust the majority of the people I work with. Anyway, fast forward a few months and I make the decision that maybe “not trusting anyone” was not exactly what he meant. and maybe he meant, that he has varying layers of trust, I mean he tells me and few other people stuff that he doesn’t tell other people.
Anyway, there was an incident at work yesterday with another employee, that person came to talk to him today. A while later he told me about the conversation and at the end he said “and she’s not happy about you and ‘blah'” ‘Blah’ is my best friend at work and probably one of the only people that understands how I feel there. we spend a lot of time together because we understand each other’s problems. I admit that sometimes people can see us as being annoying and whatever. But, the employee that was involved in the incident has no problem with me. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I’m probably one of the only people there she likes. So his comment, I felt was odd. He said “she might take it further don’t give her any ammunition” So this pissed me off because it felt like a weak attempt at intimidation.
I’m not easy to intimidate, especially by a 40-year-old man who is about half my body weight and after a prank, we once played on him I discovered I can hold him back with one hand and a door. Obviously, that doesn’t scare me, but what he did do was piss me off. My manager is a very likable person, he’s easy to get on with but this? this pissed me off.
Later on I sat down on chair do my shoe lace up, he said “don’t sit down, don’t give her ammunition” now, I know for a fact he has a problem with me sitting down. And honestly? I don’t care, I have plantar fasciitis, he may be able to stand up for 8 hours a day without excruciating pain, good for him.
So I didn’t do much talking for the remainder of my shift and left the second it was time for me to go.
I guess I felt down anyway, nobody I like was at work today and I was stuck in a hostile environment because my manager was mad at that employee and she was mad about whatever.
So I went and bought a subway on my way home and it was awful. this is the second subway ive had in like two weeks and they were both awful. I’m getting to a point where I just don’t like food in general. It’s so weird, I just don’t feel like eating anything, nothing makes me think “ooh I want to eat that” which im not sure if it’s because im down or if my body is forcing me to lose weight. Either way, im eating about one meal a day.
So im at home watching TV and I think fuck it, im having a nap. So I did. I woke up when my brother got home, to tell me he was getting a 10k pay rise. I’m happy for him, I really am. But it made me feel so useless. My brother earns about 5x as much as me now. And that’s insane. If I say anything about this to my family they just tell me to get another job and I don’t think they understand, that working 20 hours a week is hard enough for me, and that mentally im not sure I could work a full-time job.
I don’t want to sound like scrounger, or someone who is lazy and doesn’t want to work, because I do! I love my job and if there was a chance id take a full-time position there. But, there isn’t that chance. And im not sure I could work in another environment at the moment, everyone understands me and HR know about my mental health and its all just too much to start over again.
I feel like such a loser, I’m not worth anything, I just feel so useless and pointless and I don’t really know what to do anymore, except resign myself to a life of hopelessness.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
The Elephant in the Room