I’m Not Getting Any Better

I can’t believe I have to do this. But.

TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of suicide.

Dear Reader,

Jeez where do I begin, I guess I could start by saying I’ve had 3 of the last 6 weeks off of work, as holiday, see I hadn’t had any time off since march and I guess I thought I needed it. But I didn’t. I really, didn’t need it.

I said in my previous post that I was really down, I’m feeling useless I guess because everyone around me is doing so well. My brother got his pay rise, my friends are getting houses and new jobs. My brother’s girl friend just got a new job. And here I am with my crappy 16-hour job, my crap wage that I blow the week I get paid and this feeling of bitterness I guess at all of the success happening around me.

Please understand that I want to be successful, I want to work hard and get money and be able to do things. But I can’t. I really wanted my illness to be my saviour here, I wanted to blame my depression for me being such a waste of space. But the truth is, this isn’t depressions fault it’s my fault.

you know that song Hurt? yeah the song where I feel like some arrogant prick for pointing out it was originally a nine inch nails song when everyone knows the johnny cash version better, that stereotypical song that everyone jumps to when they are depressed and I don’t want to be this person, but it’s the only analogy I can work out right now.

“everyone I know goes away in the end.” it’s a stupid thing to draw parallels to, but a few years ago I lost my best friend, someone, I literally spent about 12 hours a day with and I don’t open up easily, even to people that I’m really close to, people who I consider my best friends, people I’ve known for 10+ years. but this friend was different. And I don’t know what I did wrong, I suspect I sabotaged it and I’ve also said that this is something that needs an entire post, but I finally have a new best friend that I spend a lot of time with. And the worst thing is I’m terrified of losing that person, so fucking scared. and it stops me from getting a new job because I know I will lose them and I don’t fucking want to lose them. I realise I’m gonna get a load of responses like “well, you can still be friends, you can still see each other” and that’s bullshit! we all know when we move away from our friends our friendships are never the same. And I’ve seen, it when people I was close to leave, my work place, it ends friendships and I can’t take that again.

And so here it is. The worst thing I have said in such a long time and I feel like such an idiot for saying this. But honestly, the only way I can see out of this right now is suicide. I can’t get out of this. if I stay alive I can’t fix anything, if I die everyone realises how much of a failure I am and at least I don’t have to deal with that. Just they do and that’s fucking awful but I just can’t right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

As Always,

The Elephant in the Room

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9 thoughts on “I’m Not Getting Any Better

  1. EITR – Depression is a bitch. But the “good” result of suicide is a lie!!

    I’ve been gone from WP for a year – I dropped off after a 5 week hospital stay for depression. It wasn’t magic, but after a battle I felt great for many months. I remembered who Chris was and what it was like to feel good. Maybe I’m back because I’m feeling crappy again. And this is the first thing I read which is no mistake.

    Suicide is like driving while drunk in a way. No one I their right mind thinks it’s a good idea. But when the alcohol (or in our case the drug is depression) takes over, all kinds of things seem like a good idea. But they are both bad ideas. . . Lies!

    I deal with suicide in my job on a regular basis. Do it and you’ll pass your struggle 10 fold to everyone around you. It’s the bad gift that keeps on giving.

    1800-273-TALK (8255) for help

    Liked by 6 people

  2. HaveYouSeenChris is right, man. Suicide only seems like a good idea, but for me, a good blogger who leaves me is a huge trigger to my own private world of depression. We’re better with you here than without you. Without you, we’re kind of fucked. Fight it, and please make a conscious choice to stay with us.~Deon

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I think the NIN version is superior. He actually broke down crying while singing it!
    It used to be one of my favorite songs.

    I tend to get very hopeless and unable to feel pleasure when I am on any break from my normal schedules. Sometimes just a normal weekend does it to me. It’s like I “need” to feel productive in order to let myself feel okay about myself.

    I hope you start to feel better soon. I’m sorry it’s so hard right now.
    Best wishes!!!!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. P.S. You are one of the best writers I know. I go off WP whenever I feel totally stressed out and overwhelmed but whenever I am back, I check to see what I have missed from you. I would like to figure out WP settings to allow me to still hear from you even when I’m avoiding my email for weeks on end.

    Like

  5. P.P.S. It’s hard to judge over the Internet but if you need to chat, please send me a PM somehow! I don’t know how or I’d send you my phone number. We could chat via phone or text message or something?? I don’t know if it would help; I’m super awkward via phone.

    P.P.P.S. A project I’ve been wanting to do lately is start a list of music for helping me feel a certain way that I don’t know how to put to words just now. For example, last night, I was feeling very depressed/numb. I couldn’t sleep but needed to drown out my thoughts. I ended up playing “Move (Keep Walkin’)” by TobyMac. It does have a religious theme; it’s not even my religion necessarily (I’m agnostic) but I’ll listen to anything that gives me just one moment of inspiration or relief. This song does that for me.

    Another song that used to be huge for me is from the movie, Spirit. No joke. “Sound the Bugle” Here’s a link: https://youtu.be/GJmNjutf_bQ ((I haven’t watched this all the way through, so if there’s something random in the middle, many apologies!)). This song helped me so many times.

    I don’t know if you’re like me when it comes to music; music can influence me really heavily. But it has to be just the exact right song for the exact right mood, so it’s really hard. I’d be really interested to know what songs you’ve found that help so I can add to my list!

    Like

  6. Please look after yourself. These thoughts you’re having at the moment at just lies that the depression inside you feeds your brain. It’s not the only option for you. As it’s been said, there’s nothing to gain from it and it will just cause a lot more pain and hurt for everyone around you. We always judge ourselves by other people’s successes but look at what you’ve done. You’ve been able to be open about how you’re feeling to the entire world. You have strength, you are not week. Try to talk to the people that are around you, they will want to help. They won’t want you to feel this way. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

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