I can’t believe I have to do this. But.
TRIGGER WARNING: Talk of suicide.
Jeez where do I begin, I guess I could start by saying I’ve had 3 of the last 6 weeks off of work, as holiday, see I hadn’t had any time off since march and I guess I thought I needed it. But I didn’t. I really, didn’t need it.
I said in my previous post that I was really down, I’m feeling useless I guess because everyone around me is doing so well. My brother got his pay rise, my friends are getting houses and new jobs. My brother’s girl friend just got a new job. And here I am with my crappy 16-hour job, my crap wage that I blow the week I get paid and this feeling of bitterness I guess at all of the success happening around me.
Please understand that I want to be successful, I want to work hard and get money and be able to do things. But I can’t. I really wanted my illness to be my saviour here, I wanted to blame my depression for me being such a waste of space. But the truth is, this isn’t depressions fault it’s my fault.
you know that song Hurt? yeah the song where I feel like some arrogant prick for pointing out it was originally a nine inch nails song when everyone knows the johnny cash version better, that stereotypical song that everyone jumps to when they are depressed and I don’t want to be this person, but it’s the only analogy I can work out right now.
“everyone I know goes away in the end.” it’s a stupid thing to draw parallels to, but a few years ago I lost my best friend, someone, I literally spent about 12 hours a day with and I don’t open up easily, even to people that I’m really close to, people who I consider my best friends, people I’ve known for 10+ years. but this friend was different. And I don’t know what I did wrong, I suspect I sabotaged it and I’ve also said that this is something that needs an entire post, but I finally have a new best friend that I spend a lot of time with. And the worst thing is I’m terrified of losing that person, so fucking scared. and it stops me from getting a new job because I know I will lose them and I don’t fucking want to lose them. I realise I’m gonna get a load of responses like “well, you can still be friends, you can still see each other” and that’s bullshit! we all know when we move away from our friends our friendships are never the same. And I’ve seen, it when people I was close to leave, my work place, it ends friendships and I can’t take that again.
And so here it is. The worst thing I have said in such a long time and I feel like such an idiot for saying this. But honestly, the only way I can see out of this right now is suicide. I can’t get out of this. if I stay alive I can’t fix anything, if I die everyone realises how much of a failure I am and at least I don’t have to deal with that. Just they do and that’s fucking awful but I just can’t right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The Elephant in the Room