I’m Absolutely Apathetic

Dear Reader,

TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of Self Harm

its been a long time since my last post because so many things have happened and I just feel kinda down. Ill split the things that have happened in sections, for ease of writing and for you guys.

Part 1: The part in which I have to poop in a tube.

Ok, so I have probably mentioned it, but I can’t remember so I’ll start again. I have a hemorrhoid, it’s really annoying, REALLY annoying, it’s painful and sometimes my butt bleeds. I think I got it because I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (self diagnosed), sometimes I’m fine and sometimes I have explosive water coming out of my butt. Sometimes I feel like my stomach is going to explode and its horrible.

I decided that my next Dr appointment would be a good opportunity to mention this. And so whilst I was there, I talked about how I was really down. Then I mentioned my butt problem and he decided that I should have a blood test and I had to provide a stool sample. So. here I am shitting myself (poor choice of words) about a blood test and how the hell I’m going to poo into a tiny tube. And I’m on the bus going to work having a panic attack, the worst panic attack that I have had in a long time. There was another reason for this but ill bring that up in the next section.

So, the next day I went and had my blood test, it was fine. I didn’t die like I imagined, then I went home and pooped on an old plastic plate and scooped some into a tube. Which I then marched to the Drs with and handed over.

So, as we can all appreciate I am not having a good week at this point, I’m feeling panicky and kinda shit. And the receptionist says “no, it’s too late you will have to refrigerate and bring it to tomorrow.” and my brains just thinking “hell, fucking no am I putting my shit in the fridge!” anyway, after a chat with a nurse, turns out it doesn’t need refrigerating, which is weird but whatever.

I was told to wait a week then call for my results. I was having these tests to see if I have  inflammatory bowel disease, like colitis and chrons disease. Anyway, I called them up and they said “your tests are clear” then that was is, so what do I do now? I assume that means I have irritable bowel syndrome from what my Dr said. I’m tempted to make a Dr appointment because I feel like I need my sertraline increasing, maybe I should do that.

Part 2: The part in which my entire world is shaken up

Ok, so this part will probably sound selfish, but hear me out. So, when I come out of the Drs panicking about my blood test and stuff, I text my friend to tell her about it, she responds by telling me she’s pregnant. Now holy fuck! I’m sure you can imagine this was a huge shock. but not just that my head was fucked enough and this sent me into full-on panic attack mode. I mean my friend also happens to be my assistant manager and best friend, who I am not going to see for a year, who I’m going to have to realistically do the job of whilst she’s on maternity leave. I have no idea how the hell I am going to cope.

it took me a while to come round but maybe it’s my depressed mood, I decided that it didn’t matter and that if she stopped talking to me then it wasn’t my fault (although I will keep blaming myself until the end of time) So whatever. Right?

Anyway, today I get a text, asking me to be in charge of the shop tomorrow, so my mind automatically thinks “oh what the hell has happened” so I start freaking out, I eventually find out that my friend is bleeding. and I freak out again and have another panic attack, just as I get used to these things something happens and my Aspergers can’t handle it. Anyway, we know now that her cervix is still intact so, it seems ok. She also won’t be in for the next few days.

Part 3: The part in which muggin’s sacrifices her sanity for her friends and work

Ok, I’m not doing too great at the moment, I’m very down, im hiding it from people but I am really not in a good place and its a mixture of things that have happened recently and christmas not being the same because of all the recent deaths in my family and me worrying about paying for christmas. It’s all too much for me at the moment, but I threw myself in to work meaning that I will now be covering my friend until she is back. Its fine, im nervous but, I don’t really know why. More than anything im stressed because I know im not going to be getting enough sleep, at the moment I need at least 10 hours and that I feel shit and I needed like a month or so before this kind of shit started happening so I had time post-Christmas to fix my head.

Anyway, I don’t have time so whatever I have to do what I can to make sure everything goes ok. And that means making sure everyone else is ok before me, which is my usual habit anyway.

So, here’s the final note. I cut myself. And it was bad. On the day when I found out all of this life changing information I freaked out so much that I came home and cried hysterically. then I took a knife and cut myself so much deeper then I ever had before. I panicked when I couldn’t stop bleeding and started messaging my friends, I guess I did that because I was scared that I might die and someone would need a reason as to why I did it. I didn’t get very far in to messaging people when I decided to go hold my arm under the shower head. Nope, that didn’t work, so I had to put pressure on it and i managed to stop the bleeding still. I was mad at myself for it but I want to do it again so bad that im struggling to stop myself.

Things are so up in the air right now, and because of that I feel like I don’t feel anything. And that is making things difficult.

As always,

The Elephant in the Room

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3 thoughts on “I’m Absolutely Apathetic

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through so much difficulty in such a compact amount of time. I understand your feelings about sort of losing your best friend, with her being pregnant and as a result, may not be as available to you for support as she previously probably has been.

    My thoughts are to take it only one day at a time, and to take a breather when you need it. What is a healthy thing that helps you the most during times of distress? Like, for me, it is writing or taking a walk (two things I know I should do when I’m stressed but admittedly rarely ever do. 😦 …)

    When I worked at a stressful job, sometimes I would leave my office and take a walk. At first I used to walk around the building, then I realized that it was more helpful for me to walk away from the building so that it would not be in my sight. I could recooperate momentarily, pull myself together somewhat, and think of a plan to get through the rest of the day. Then I’d turn around and start walking back to the building.

    I don’t know if that could help you or not, it’s just a thought on what I used to do to cope with stress at work.

    Also – know that you are not alone. I suffer from depression and I have had bipolar disorder for years, and it has affected my life in a multitude of ways (and also, in turn, affected those around me.) I try my best to do the things that I know are good for me, but alot of times I do the opposite. Lately I am eating too much chocolate and watching too much bad youtube news videos. I know those seem like not-so-bad things, but they really do wreak (can’t figure out how to spell that properly) on my psyche.

    What I’m trying to say is that there are people in the blog-o-sphere (is that term even used anymore) who understand because they have been through the days when all you can do is sleep. Or times when they have self-harmed. Keep writing and letting us know what is going on, and I hope you will find the support you need on this blog and also in your real life.

    I hope you can recognize your limits, and also reach out to those in your support system who you might not reach out to as often. You can tell them what is going on, that you are having to take on alot more, and ask if they could be “on call” so to speak when you contact them. Letting people know you are struggling is difficult, but it can REALLY make a difference.

    I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to try to offer you all this advice. Truly in fact, it is advice I need to adhere to myself. So I’m speaking to you and to me at the same time.

    Sending hugs and wishing you comfort and warmth during this time of year. It is not easy, but at least we know it will be over soon and January will be here. Hurrah – right? (sarcasm)

    Take care. Peace.

    Like

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