Jealousy and Fear

Dear Reader,

I’m in a weird place again, I’m not happy, I’m not enjoying my life. I’m just moving forwards because it’s the only direction to go. Next week my counselling sessions with Mind will end and I am absolutely terrified.

Trigger Warning (Brief Suicide mention)

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Previously on The Elephant Show

Dear Reader,

If I was to write a comedy about getting referred to mental health services I would base it on my own experiences. In fact, I would just write out my experience because it’s beginning to make me feel that I live in some kind of Truman show-esque world where I am being purposely denied help for entertainment purposes.

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I Am Disappointed In Myself

Dear Reader,

So I’m disappointed in myself. It used to be a conscious effort, or at least a known effort to pretend that I was ok, But now I just do it without thinking, and I find that horrifying. For example. I have been getting to work feeling my usual pensive self, but before I know it I’m acting like everythings ok again. And then I realise what I am doing and I get really annoyed at myself. Because I am not happy. And I do not want to pretend I am anymore. Continue reading

Post University Debt

Dear Reader,

When you become a student’s person literally throw money at you. Which is stupid, because if I know anything, it is that the majority of people (students or not) is stupid when it comes to money, especially when they are given a large amount of it. Continue reading

My Faltering Brain

Dear Reader,

At the beginning of 2014, I was at, what I would probably consider, my lowest point. As 2015 began I felt I was anywhere near that low point, until I really considered my feelings and realised. Nothing has really changed. I’m not sure in all honesty what is keeping me here anymore. When I say “here” I don’t necessarily mean “alive”, I mean, physically here. Continue reading

Crash Landing Imminent

Dear Reader,

I thought I would at least have a few days where I was ok over christmas but sadly not. Christmas was not the day I wanted it to be. I ended up going to the hospital for two hours.  Continue reading

Hooked on a Feeling

Dear Reader,

It’s a Christmas miracle. My Christmas spirit came and punched me square in the face. But, I have been bottling it up because since its return things have gone on to a strange downward spiral and I’m struggling to feel anything, happiness or sadness. Continue reading

The Downfall of my Christmas Spirit

Dear Reader,

It took me a while to write this, as I have said I’m struggling with my lack of Christmas spirit. Maybe it’s because I still have another doctors appointment before Christmas. I struggle to relax when I know I have an impending appointment. I struggle with doctors appointments for the most ridiculous reason ever. I am terrified one of my family members (extended included) that use the same doctors surgery, will see me in there and either A) ask questions which I don’t really want to answer or B) say to my parents “I saw Elephant at the doctors!” and they will start interrogating me as to why I was there. So here is a piece I started on Saturday. Continue reading